I wasn’t sure if I’d feel up to writing an update right now. My emotions are all over the board at this stage and there are so many others who are in control of our journey right now. It’s hard for me to not retreat into my sarcastic version of myself when I feel this vulnerable and incredibly hard to admit it to others. As a survivor of abuse I absolutely hate being vulnerable except to those I have come to trust. I’ve never been able to shed that protective layer. It’s not easy to let go of a few of those learned behaviors, no matter how much work I’ve done. It makes sense that the story of our adoption journey is knocking at that protective behavior, but I want to be strong and share our journey in case someone stumbles across my posts someday when they need proof that some hard parts of the process are normal.
To that person: you are doing all that you can, so stop feeling like you need to do something every minute or else you’re a failure who doesn’t deserve to get their child. Having strangers dive deep into your life story and pick through some parts that might be a bit painful is not a fun process and it’s normal to feel vulnerable. The waiting makes you feel alone and like you’re going insane, but I want you to know that you’re not. I can promise that you’re not going crazy and most everyone in your place feels lost. And for you, and even our future daughter, I will try to share our story.
We just submitted the corrections to our second profile and the third profile is in the works. We got an extended narrative about the young lady we feel we would be best able to help and with a better understanding of her needs we decided to continue with her. Now we wait for her case worker to read the new version of our profile and see if that case worker believes we could be a good fit for this young lady. From what I understand, if she feels there’s a chance, then she may request more information about you/your family. So we are waiting to see if we qualify enough to get to the next step of having a conference call with our social worker and her case worker.
IF we get the conference call and all goes well, then we move on to the BIS, where even more people weigh in on the huge decision of which applicants will best suit the needs and wants of the child. It took us seven months to get to submitting our inquiry, so right now it feels like it’ll be the day just before forever when we will know if we have a shot with this young lady whose profile kept pulling at our hearts. We know that we need to consider at least a couple others and submit inquiries, because it is so risky to put all of our eggs in one basket. We had an intense talk about our abilities and what needs we can meet that are outside of our original parameters, so we requested three more profiles. One of them really appeals to us, although she’s several years younger than we had originally planned for. So, while we wait to learn about our main focus, at least we have a few more that we will hopefully get to read the extended profiles for this week. It’s hard to balance the knowledge that we need to consider others against those little vignettes that inadvertently pop into the mind with Kiddo 1’s face.
I want to crawl into my shell until we get through things. I feel foolish sharing my hope and joy over the concept of motherhood and actually getting Kiddo. I feel incredibly foolish to have shared my hopes so early on without realizing that this road isn’t a one year run. We’re in a marathon with an unknown end date, with a desperate need to not feel like we’re putting our lives out there for these others to judge, all the way down to judging if we could be good parents, and the fear is nearly suffocating.
Three young ladies we had hoped to inquire about have all ready been pulled from the listing while we worked through that first part. It’s down-in-your-heart scary to share the online profile of the one we are hoping we get approved for. There are these moments of hope that you cling to that just have to be shared sometimes, though, and it’s gut wrenching when you’re reminded that it’s a long process and you learn that child is destined for another path. In my most honest moments I know that one of my deepest, uncontrollable fears is that we are wrong at knowing who “our” Kiddo is. There have all ready several faces starring in our dreams. This isn’t dropping a quarter into a slot machine and seeing what comes out. This is our life and helping our daughter have the best life possible. I know that it’s insane to hold myself responsible for not being accurate about who our Kiddo will be, especially when it is all in the hands of those in the process. It’s an upside down world, some days. That’s why I want the shirt that says “Insane? I prefer the term mentally hilarious.”. In the meantime I’ll keep doodling out ideas for the tattoo I’ll get when we formally adopt her. She’s worth becoming a permanent reminder upon my skin, just like her dad is, even though I’m not sure which face will go with the memorable moment. Fibro be damned. She’s even worth going a bit bonkers for. I just hope Kiddo agrees with Lewis Carroll.