I had a trigger sneak up on me the other day and if you’ve followed for a while, you know I hate being vulnerable, especially in public. It was one of those sweet scenes in a movie where two mothers are cuddling their babies and it’s one of those love everlasting, Hallmark moments. And I fell apart.
I worked hard to develop coping techniques and understand my desires better when I had therapy for not having a biological child, when having my own baby was the top goal of my life that went hand-in-hand with marriage. I had hoped to adopt and have a biological child, so that I could also have that special mother-infant bond and those beautiful moments together that every baby commercial features. And I realized with all the hard work that underneath it all I wanted to be a mom; that the pregnancy and infant stage wasn’t nearly as important to me as being Mom, especially to someone who needs a forever family and we yearn to fill our forever family’s missing piece.
But cuddling the baby got me. There won’t be those special rocking to sleep, cuddling and cooing, baby bonding moments. Don’t get me wrong – I realized a while back I don’t want to do the midnight feedings, baby proofing the house (adoption requirements were enough for us thank you very much), or dealing with diaper blow outs. I also can’t raise a child who is unable to handle their immediate physical needs, so a baby wasn’t really the desire when we began the adoption process. The cuddling and bond, which can be tough stages to reach with an adoptee, is apparently a big weepy piece of the deepest parts of me. And I don’t know how to turn that desire for that off. I will be over the moon if we are able to adopt “Miss H”, guaranteed. I don’t want another movie moments to make me break down though, especially once I have the blessing of her in my life.
I’m working on my analyzation worksheets and techniques, but nothing explains this spot of vulnerability and longing; not at this point. I’m not strong on biologic bonds, since most of my strongest have been with people that I have no DNA links to, so I know it’s not that I wish Miss H was biologically mine. If we get her, she’s mine no matter what, forever, and I don’t give a damn about having different DNA.
So I’m left wondering if this is a normal emotion with working so hard to become a parent and hoping to get some affectionate bonding with Kiddo? Or did I never fully work through losing Sierra and wish for that physical contact with my own infant? Or is the term paperwork pregnant not just related to the long time frame and waiting for your child? Is it why I have an oily T-spot again, after it leaving with my teens; or why I suddenly have tiny acne flares, etc? Can my body get mixed up with all these emotions and start to long for a part that isn’t even involved in what we’re doing?
So far I just don’t know. I just want to figure it out and stop this. I want to quit crying at Hallmark commercials. I mean, seriously. That sucks. Especially for a gal that toughened herself up after seeing the rape and abuse for what it was. I didn’t want to cry much anymore. I had hoped I’d left the worst tears back with the bruises. But my heart feels like when the Grinch’s (c) got super big. With the growth from each young lady’s story, my heart hurts from not being able to adopt more, and I just want to give this ton of love. I don’t want to cry or be jealous of those beautiful moments that moms get to enjoy with infants. And how can I ever seem like a boxing badass if I cry at baby related commercials and scenes? *laugh*