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5 Days Left

In 5 days we were supposed to officially move our adoptive daughter in.  We would have just returned her a few days ago to her foster family after having her for an extended visit for the holiday.   Instead it’s been about 6 weeks since the adoption was cancelled.  We still have a lot of healing to do, but I’m thankful for the progress that has been made and that L has supported me from the very moment that I told him there was something wrong.  I don’t know that either of us are overly festive or really know heads from tails yet, but I’m very thankful to know without a doubt that he is by my side through the grief, the anger, the fear, and the loss.  No matter how irrationally angry or tearful I am, or how lost and apathetic I am, there is always comfort and security in his hug.  I think he’s the only reason I didn’t get admitted to the psych ward during this horrific process, especially when I fully realized that I had survived living around a sociopath for the second time in my life.

 

I wanted the process to work…I wanted us to finally have our own little family so very much after so much work and time, so…I ignored the signs.  My body finally wouldn’t let me cling to the emotions and hopes, and made me face that something was so very wrong.   My psychiatrist sadly guessed that the diagnoses in her medical forms listed as “rule out” weren’t actually diagnosed, because they don’t want to stigmatize a child with a potentially life altering diagnosis and there’s always the chance that the right family can help reverse the behaviors from the condition that was caused by the child’s life.  Unfortunately, we were the very opposite of being the right family in this situation, because someone with sociopathic behavior (or symptoms of antisocial personality disorder) will be drawn to someone like me for all of the worst reasons.  I survived attempted murder and although I’m a lot stronger now, it’s terrifyingly easy to fall back into the traps of sociopathic behavior.  Telling me “I love you” at just the right moment while tearing me down a little bit, wanting to cuddle and spend time together knowing that they are hiding something bad that they’ve done behind my back, the lack of remorse when confronted with inappropriate actions…all over again, except this time while being called “Mom” for the first time in my life.  The one name I longed to hear for most of my adult life.

 

After the last, surprisingly horrible visitation, and my body was in an uproar, I was utterly shattered.  I knew something wasn’t right when it was hard to hug her goodbye when her driver picked her up, but despite everything I was still wearing the rose-colored glasses of loving this child I didn’t know.  Sitting in my adopted sister’s car in my driveway, crying uncontrollably, I realized just how scared I was of this child.  Here I was an adult and I was terrified after remembering a look she gave me that was identical to one that my ex used to give me.  I’ll always be thankful that she told me that age didn’t matter if they’re able to trigger your PTSD – there’s something seriously dangerous and she told me that I needed to go in, wake L up despite him having to work that night, and tell him my feelings.  I hated waking him, but don’t think I’ll ever remember how fast his groggy voice became serious and comforting.  At first all I said was that I was scared of her and just like that he said then it would all be over.  Everything would stop immediately.  He didn’t even need to hear reasons or anything else.  Sitting here and writing out my secrets, crying yet again, I can’t help but be amazed that despite my extremely bad track record (considering previous attempted murder, abuse to cause multiple miscarriages, and other things that get shoved into the dark corners of the mind to hide away from), I had somehow married someone who trusted me that much and who would be the protector that handled things, so I could try to put myself back together again.

 

We sent a message to all of the involved workers that we were cancelling the adoption and halting all further action, and my doctor even got involved to tell them to cease contacting me until further notice due to worsening my symptoms, but I give them credit for still trying.  And I can’t give many more details involving any of this, however I pulled myself together enough to pack everything up – gifts bought for her, the Christmas decorations she had picked out that we had bought, all of the clothing and miscellaneous items, toys, left behind belongings, learning gadgets, you name it…and just before Halloween we took multiple huge boxes to the adoption agency and gave to our original case worker (who was the supervisor, so she took back over the case unfortunately and made it all even harder) all of the hopes and dreams we had for our adoptive daughter to be transported down to the girl’s personal case worker to give to her.

 

Thankfully L attended the emergency psych appointment with me following everything and, like I wrote before, is probably the only reason I didn’t get admitted.   While discussing that we need to grieve losing this child and maybe even the possibility of ever becoming parents, we needed to imprint over the goals and activities that became tarnished, for lack of finding a better word, by the whole situation.  One of the biggest was that there were plans to take her to Branson, MO, where we had our honeymoon and have attended several of their Olde Time Christmas events throughout our marriage.  I had included information in the scrapbook that I had made for the agency/kid and it was something very special for me to bond over.

 

L surprised me shortly thereafter with a luxury condo stay during the opening of the event and thankfully he made it so incredible that I don’t have to worry about avoiding such a special place or wonderful memories, and although it was bittersweet, it was one of the best trips I ever had.  When the night gets a little too long and my mind won’t quiet, I have a beautiful memory of being all bundled up from the cold, leaning against each other and drinking horrible hot chocolate while playing with Snapchat filters.  I even got to spend a while in the rustic chapel at Silver Dollar City, where I’ve always found the most peace out of all of the churches I’ve ever been to, and sitting in the rough pew with the soft light of a Christmas tree in the corner shining over the pulpit, I finally started to go into the stages of grief instead of just being blinded by it.   Although we aren’t doing much for the holidays this year, I was blessed to be given the gift I most needed help with by an incredible husband that is a good ole boy who doesn’t get nearly enough credit for helping everyone to the point that he suffers.

 

Although we still have a lot of grief to work through; back and forth through all of those stages, the worst is over.  I never have to fear again that I’ll either be emotionally torn apart and victimized again, or possibly even have another attack on my life, but this time by my own daughter.  It may be surprising, but I still think fostering and adopting the older kids needs to be considered a lot more and we need to be a lot more aware of their needs.  If we as a society had done a better job early on that young girl probably wouldn’t be on the bubble of being a sociopath when around others that can be victimized.  For us we can never go down the same path of adoption again; if we decide to try again, we will have to find a way to go through a private adoption.  We have a lot of healing to do before we can even decide if having a child to raise is what we still want or if we want to be one of those eccentric couples that takes trips to unusual places and fills scrapbooks with happy memories we make together or with our fur babies.  Not getting all caught up in the usual holiday festivities has actually given me a better perspective than I’ve ever had…we can still make beautiful memories with those we care about and find peace without the lights of a tree, cats batting at ribbons decorating carefully wrapped presents, or a big meal that becomes more of a chore than about a time of coming together to enjoy one another.  We can still celebrate our Faith without any tinsel or a big to-do.

 

So, despite a lot of pain and traveling a very difficult path, I’m very thankful for the incredible lessons I have learned in such a short amount of time.  I’m also very thankful that I have the support of others through this blog who have been a huge blessing throughout the whole adoption process and who gave me the courage to finally talk publicly about the new path our journey has taken.

Clovers Anyone?

Yep, I totally went there for my Celtic Thunder post.  *cracking up*  I will not apologize for it either, since I absolutely love a well fitting kilt on a man, and we got to see several of them wearing them.  *happy sigh* Hey, I’d sigh over the big guy wearing one too, but that’ll never happen, so it’s my burden to sigh at Irishmen wearing them.  *smirk*  (Just a heads up, this will be a picture laden post, so loading may take a little extra time than usual.)

 

For an overnight trip, it feels like so much happened!  I was still on a high from having just met Kiddo in person at our meeting and from our nightly phone calls.  Plus, I got to dress up in my new leather jacket and booties, and I even put on a bit of makeup (although I think I shivered it all off by the time the pictures were taken *laugh*).  I tried, which actually means I put a lot of effort into dressing for the concert.  We got to go their concert in 2016, so I was determined to make this “as a new mom” with my mom time even better.

 

It started with an overnight stay at The Courtyard by Marriott, in Salina.  Absolutely gorgeous and very clean; I actually got to watch another room get cleaned and they strip the beds all the way down, etc., so it’s truly clean and that makes me a loyal customer.  Just check out the basic two queens room…

 

We went to this random chicken restaurant that looked like a small mom-and-pop-type and had the best comfort food ever!  Beef, mashed potatoes, and gravy open-faced sandwich, along with real baked beans on the side.  *sigh*

Comfort food

 

We got ready and arrived early, since last time it was so packed, but we underestimated how cold it would become and that they wouldn’t let us wait in the lobby even once it dipped below forty.  I tried to distract us for a while by talking about Kiddo’s meeting, calls, and Mom’s parenting advice, and then with Snapchat filters and pictures.

Cool Rider

 

Hot Mama

 

Mom and I Beary Happy

 

Once we finally got in, got souvenirs right off the bat, we found our seats just a few rows back from the stage.  I did an excellent job of fighting the downed server in the first minutes the early group was allowed to buy tickets last year!  Look how close we were to the stage!

These aren’t even zoomed in.   When Ryan from CT reached out his hand to the audience, it seemed like I could almost touch it.  Holy smokes!

 

The Theatre itself has amazing architecture and is a wonder to look at while waiting, too!

Stiefel Theatre

Stiefel Theatre

Balcony 1

Balcony 1

Balcony 2

Balcony 2

Stained Glass Light

Stained Glass Light

 

 

As expected their X tour concert was phenomenal, with a mix of Oldies, some of their original songs, and even covers of current songs, such as Galway Girl© by Ed Sheeran, covered by Damian McGinty (ah-maz-ing as they dramatically say).  Seasons in the Sun© and The Streets of London© both brought tears to our eyes, while Bye Bye Baby© and I’m a Believer© were so much fun to sing along with.  This time there were only four of the guys, but they did a fantastic job still, were just as good if not better than their DVD performance of the first concert for the tour, and were so engaging.  I sincerely hope they come back in 2020, so it can be three generations of us singing Ireland’s Call© as the concert closes.

 

You know what makes it even better?  My daughter wore hers to bed the first night and put it back on anytime she was in the house.  It was awesome to see her all sleepy eyed in her new shirt that she didn’t want to take off.  Between the new mom with established mom conversations, a spot of Christmas shopping, a phenomenal concert that included kilts, and then rushing home to go get my daughter, that was the best two-day concert trip I’ve ever had.  A sleepy eyed daughter wearing her Celtic Thunder tee was the whipped topping for my dessert of blessings.

 

By the way, if you’re interested or curious, you can check Celtic Thunder out on YouTube, their website, and Amazon (plus others probably, but these are the ones I can personally vouch for).  If you’re an Amazon Music Unlimited member, most of their work is available, too!

 

Kiddo’s going to help me make a special wall hanging from the concert once I get the pics all printed, to go with the concert book and such.  😀  I haven’t yet brought her over to the Celtic side, but she was pretty preoccupied with her new tablet to listen to my music, so I’m going to try a little I’m a Believer© on her when she comes back very soon while school is out.  Then I’ll get my own lucky charm to help me decide on which style tattoo I’m going to do to celebrate her completing our forever family.  🙂

“Mom”

We had our first home visit with Kiddo, which even included us doing the long drive down to pick her up instead of Transport. We got a little extra time to visit before the drive lulled her to sleep until we were about 40 minutes from home. She picked Taco Bell for a quick dinner, since it was getting late, and then we headed on home. I got her settled in and she loves her bedroom as is, despite my horrible paint job and frequent offers that we can change anything. There was a little visiting and the poor young lady passed out in her new bed.

First thing after brunch it was time to unpack all of the rest of the doll clothes and now she has several outfits for her doll, including PJs which went on overnight), learning how to use her Fire tablet, and setting up her own music playlist for Alexa to play. I learned a lot about a boy singer that is apparently hotter than the sun *grin*, how to tune out JoJo while still listening to my daughter, and about how cool Swift still is. And then I learned a lot about playing horse farm games, which was one of the sweetest evenings ever.

Instead of our Spa Day, we hit the city and ate at a restaurant, where I introduced her to Snapchat filters and got a ton of pictures with her, and finally got her to take some silly pictures, too. When she saw a Christmas inflatable of Olaf that she just loved, the big guy wordlessly bought it. *grin* Me thinks daddy feelings are starting to brew, but I’m not saying that, since he would never say that, you know what I mean? *wink*

She also said it’d be best for the two stray kittens to be brought in Saturday to stay in her room as they acclimate and get trained, before joining our older cats. Kiddo absolutely loves them and one is specifically hers. *grin* She even played a cat app on her tablet for the kittens to bat at electronic mice. It was so adorable to see her with them. They are pretty cute, I admit. Greetings from Zane and Bella…

We spent breakfast with Larry and then back to spend time with the kittens, plus time for some more gaming. (Mini me!!) We even snuggled in bed for a short nap, which was one of the most beautiful times of my life. I decided we should get things gathered and go to the living room about half an hour before Transport was due, just to be able to confirm she had everything. And Transport arrives almost immediately after we enter the living room. After the signing, taking her things out to the car, and waving while watching her go, I had an unexpected breakdown. I didn’t expect the first home visit goodbye to be so hard. Every one of those adoption sayings were absolutely true. I had all ready loved my unknown child, but I had quickly fallen in (motherly) love with this creative, unique, and beautiful young lady.

I sent a text with the picture of the kittens doing well to her foster father to share, so that she could see they’re all right, and I got a reply back from her. It started off as “Hi Mom…”. A few hours later and I’m tearing up again. *sappy smile* I didn’t expect her to refer to me as Mom for a long time, so my heart is so overflowing with joy. My blessings are overflowing, despite a few issues with my health. I always wanted to be a mom and to someday hear it, and had nearly given up on that lifelong wish, and my incredible daughter blessed me with my last “life long wish” tonight. Life is good tonight and I had to share that, since it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to wholeheartedly say that. As they say in a movie, I am incandescently happy. (Or close. I still am, regardless. Lol)

I wish you joy and peace tonight, plus promise to write soon about the amazing Celtic Thunder concert I got back from the day we brought Kiddo home for her visit. 🙂

I Can Only Imagine©™

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I watched the title movie a couple of days before we got notified that we were picked for the adoption and have listened to the song for some time all ready.  It lives in my Absolute Faves Right Now playlist.  While puttering around, working on projects to finish before Kiddo comes over soon, I realized that the song applies in other, just as deep, ways.  I knew that it would be the biggest blessing to find and be approved for our forever daughter.  I didn’t know that there are so many blessings just following that even and I’m in awe of what God has been gifting me with.  Within a couple of days I’ve gotten to talk to my daughter (my daughter!) twice over the phone.  She got distracted at times, but hearing her and talking about things she likes to do or what foods she likes…I had tears in my eyes and my heart swelled like the Grinch’s®; way too big to fit in my little body.  The excitement in her voice about trying things she saw we had done or have that were in the scrapbook about us that I made a long time ago for her; the sadness when she learned Bo had passed away since the book was made; how she can’t wait to learn to scrapbook like this and do crafts with me…I couldn’t have imagined that these “little” moments could be such blessings that I would never have guessed at.  God protected such beautiful gifts for when we finally got matched.

 

Finding out that we’ll get to meet this next weekend and get to have two stay overs with us next month…I can only imagine how these will affect us down into our souls.  How would we have ever guessed that we would be blessed to have her stay for Thanksgiving break and move in with a few days to spare before Christmas, to be part of our family forever?  Unlike the question in the song, I’ve sang Hallelujah while crying the happiest tears of my life and I’ve been rendered speechless by the beauty of this blessing God is sharing with us.  In about two and a half months we will have our daughter.  After the past few years I can’t even express the awe that we will get to transition her into our home so quickly.  It’s mere weeks, realistically!  Just months ago I wondered what my purpose in life was; why I had survived the attempted murder.  A few months later God gave us a new path to walk full of love and learning that our purpose is to make this young lady happy and feel the start of  our forever love,  and completely change our priorities to spend the rest of our lives helping her to have the happiest life she can.  Preparing for the hard times and crying happy tears while hugging over the good ones.  It’s hard to imagine that the answer would come in such an incredible way.

 

I had fun over the past two years collecting gifts for her.  I had no idea that buying the additional Christmas gifts that are specific to her interests would be such an adventure!  I get to go to my long awaited concert and the night I come back my daughter will sleep in her bed for the first time in an over-sized concert tee for her nightgown.  I could never have imagined how these little things would feel.

 

And the soaring of my heart when we all agreed, even her foster father, that internet class based homeschooling is the right thing for her at this time.  She needs that one-on-one time and teaching, plus we get to take trips to help make things like history a real concept instead of something in a book, while still also being able to keep up with schoolwork on the computer when away from home!  Plus, there’s built in socialization along with the gradual socialization we have planned – kind of like a dart board.  The bulls-eye is the core support system we thankfully have.  Once she’s comfortable and settled, we will expand out a bit to the next circle of friends and family, and then we will expand to school-organized events, socializing with other kids going to the same homeschool, meeting more distantly connected people, etc.  I’m very thankful that God worked with our Social Worker to make our dreams of how best to help our child work out.  It’ll also give some much needed bonding time, as well, which she definitely deserves a lot of.

 

Anyway, I’ve been in a flurry of preparing the house, going through cabinets to try to change things to what will work for her dietary needs, and wrapping all of the Christmas presents that were waiting in her room, since we were told to not hold out hope for success this year.  Plus, a lot of notes to transcribe to put in my other adoption binder, to have on hand in case we need to refer to her history, etc.  I’m also painting wood to become shelves for her room and a shoe rack.  Might as well utilize my joyful energy.  Who would have guessed that I’d get a few extra spoons after talking to my daughter?!  On the flip side, I have a lot of time I get distracted by the awe of it all and just sit in prayer or meditation, thankful of these beautiful raindrops of blessings from the big blessing.  *soft smile*

 

In the meantime, I won’t get as much written, but you’re along for the glorious ride and my asking y’all advice for which type of gift is a better option, since most of you are established parents.  I’m not above asking for help.  *grin*  So pamper on, and I wish you the joy of raindrops of blessings until I can next sit down and gather my mind.  🙂

 

My Christmas Wish

My most earnest Christmas wish for this year was for us to get matched to Kiddo and have our first “forever family” Christmas. Today we were blessed with the notification that we were picked in the BIS meeting and by the Regent, and we start lining our ducks in a row this Thursday!!

I’m still in shock, I think. I start something and go sit down. After a while I remember I was doing something, go move an item or complete the task, and sit down again to just stare into space. *laugh* I spend time thinking about Christmas, since our Social Worker believes we’ll definitely have Kiddo moved in by then and able to celebrate with us (if not, daring to hope, sooner). Sometimes I wonder how those first minutes are going to be. Will they be awkward, tearfully happy, a bit of both…? And I need to get her suitcase for that first meeting, still, because my daughter isn’t putting her belongings in a trash bag to move. The knowledge that it occurs still tears me up.

In a couple days we get to go over the transition plan, which includes meeting Kiddo in person, visiting on her turf, and bringing her here for some overnighters. It varies with every situation, so who knows if it’ll take her a while to feel comfortable enough to stay overnight or if we’re all running headlong into family life.

So, although I’ve been working on product a lot (and having some EPIC fails!), those plans are getting set aside. I have some fun ones to add to my site now, but lots of my new ideas are going to wait for mother/daughter project times now. I have fun creating product, even when I fail horribly, but we’ve waited so many years for this blessing that my business is going back to being a craft now. I’ll share some of the fails with you soon, just for a good laugh and to mourn with me how pretty they looked at first. *laugh* Once I know Kiddo’s preferences I need to make some gifts for her. I also am about to hit the manic housewife mode that I need to get my house into some serious order. *grin* Do you remember when I mentioned how I have a hard time dealing with emotions? You add excitement and nerves together, and suddenly our home is good enough for us but not for bringing in Kiddo. Anyone want to paint some boards with me, take things down the ladder into the basement, or steam clean my living room? *laugh*

Beyond the insanity, it’s been a beautiful day of sharing our news. I appreciate every person who has been encouraging, uplifting, and travelled this journey with us. And for those of you who are involved and so excited, thank you for being part of this. We couldn’t have kept going if it wasn’t for all of you. Who would have thought I’d actually get my Christmas wish early? Now that I’m getting all girly and emotional I’m going to go move things around, and then sit back down again for awhile. I think Jacksepticeye is perfect for tonight’s dazed mind.

Until next time, I wish you joy and blessings. 🙂

Happy Birthday Virgos

L and B 9 11 18 Boudouire_097

 

Happy Birthday to all those Virgos out there!  

 

I’m sorry for the radio silence since the internet went out.  All sorts of stuff went on, between my laptop starting to go out, internet going back out; all those great moments in life that make you say meh and hide away until the next day.  Next thing you know it’s been quite a while since you’ve blogged.  *grin* I have managed to make several pieces of product that I’m actually sending over to a favorite show in Ireland, plus Christmas items, and had a LOT of failures while making product recipes.  *laugh*

 

While I’m at it, this is the least enthusiastic I’ve ever felt about my birthday, honestly.  My mind is pulled too many directions, plus it was recently the twentieth anniversary of miscarrying Sierra, which has a lot more emotional impact than just another middling birthday.  It’s a step closer to the fortieth, which is a little less enthusiastic than even this one.  *laugh* It’ll make figuring up my age easier for the doctor’s office, at least.  If you ever wonder about why I’m so critical with myself or analyse everything, just read the definition of a Virgo.  I’m the epitome of the nerdy one.  *grin*

 

One super huge event that has taken up most of my thoughts while off is that the BIS meeting happened for our hopeful daughter.  We’ll know in a month or so how the results came out, so it’s a dual-edged sword; there’s finally a time frame for expectations, but now there’s a chance that in four or so weeks I may learn that we weren’t selected for this daughter that I felt for as soon as I read her profile.  It’s been just the two of us rattling around in this home for so long that it’s hard to imagine another person, especially when it’s not one that has grown up into our family, but is a mini-adult with us all jumping into massive changes.  I can imagine her at Christmas, making product with me, and going through schoolwork together.  I’m trying to not be excited, since our SW made it sound like it went very favorably, but we’ve been burned so much by our experiences.  Parts of me can’t help but think if we have at least visitation by Christmas I’m turning our home into a mini-Branson.  *laugh* Make a freaking Winter Wonderland for the first Christmas with our daughter, plus it’ll be such a memorable time with the family anyway.  Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of self-editing of my emotions and thoughts, but the hamsters are still pretty lost in the ideas and hope, honestly.

 

Anyway, I’m back with my new laptop, improved internet connection, and five injuries I’m recovering from.  *laugh* Bengay is considered pampering too, right?  😉

An Update to Kiddo’s Room

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Since we decided to Home School via Connections Academy I felt it was important to have a designated spot for school time and would have all of her supplies at the ready, so L modified my huge wood desk to fit in her room and I just had to share how awesome it turned out (yes, I need to re-stain it, but cosmetics can wait until the big stuff is done *laugh*).

 

Kiddos Desk

 

The cloth boxes filled with things are actually specific curriculum subject supplies, so those will actually go up on a shelf once that is built.  Right now I have the binders and extras all stacked underneath the desk, awaiting the shelf, too.  She can lay in bed and watch TV, there will be a frame with four family pictures (three of us all individually and then placement or adoption day in the last window) that will go with the “family” sign, and the desk doesn’t interfere with her window while giving a lot of work room.  And it is SOLID.  *laugh* We got a great deal on it when I started my first business and since it’s such a high quality piece we just had to modify it to work for her room.  (And yes, I’m about 1/3 of the way done Christmas shopping.  *grin* I’m that annoying friend who doesn’t understand wading through the crowds on Christmas Eve.  *laugh*  Plus, I have some that have to be shipped out of state, so I start working on them early, too.)

 

I know it’s super nerdy, but organizing the subject supplies and books together today made it all feel so real and happy to me.  Whichever is Kiddo will have to do art as part of their coping techniques, but it can be such a fun outlet that I couldn’t resist putting together a variety of mediums beyond what the school sends. 

 

Although my dad is now out of the picture I even got to put his graphing and blueprint drawing tools in her math box.  I like that I can add a few things of his for her that bring back good memories for me.  For her science box (which I had to stick a few pieces of other things into since I wanted to keep the center of the desk clean until the shelving is built) I even have a DNA testing kit to learn about her long ago heritage, how blood types work, and even a lesson on haplogroups.  Genealogy is something that she can share with Grandma, since I’m only interested in the science and the heritage, instead of the ancestry. 

 

It’s really kind of awesome that I’m able to supplement the core classes she will take and have them connect to her new family, as well.  There’s a little concern about the DNA test, but since I’m the one handling all of it, I will keep the more current information put away for her to have when she’s older, if she wants genetic information about her closer biological ancestry.  We definitely don’t want to add to her trauma, but with so much loss of identity I think knowing if she has Irish, Russian, German, or whatever roots might give her a little something to help her not feel so set apart from the general population.  Adoption and foster guru Sherrie Eldridge recently blogged about how left out this group of children are, especially when it’s that first day of school and they go through the trauma of a new place with new people all over again.  It left me thinking about what would her first day story be that she would give others, if she starts standard school the next year?  I’m hoping that I can give her something to relate to, like which heritage she has, so she isn’t just “the Cornelisons’ adopted kid” or leaving her to make up a life she thinks other kids will think is cool.  Even if she hasn’t attached to us by then, at least she will have something real to identify herself with and keep her system story private if she wants to, without making up a whole story that will inevitably go wrong at some point. 

 

Anyway, I beam every time I look at her desk and especially her bins.  The anatomy book L picked up at a garage sale in the middle of the dead zone of our process; the calculator that I used for working at home and then starting my own business is now hers, and even brand new pencils instead of the old household ones.  She may never realize it, but there’s meaning and memories behind almost every item, and I just can’t wait to take her shopping to see how she accessorizes and makes all of this hers.  I can clearly picture the tween we’re waiting on the BIS for sitting in that chair doing homework.  The other two not so easily, but it makes me catch my breath sometimes.  I imagine this must be what it’s like when a mother sees the crib all finished and ready for the first time.  Schooling is where we will start our deepest bonding instead and I’m actually okay with that now.  I’m not sure what tomorrow brings, but this past week just standing in her doorway and looking at everything is my happy moment every single time.  🙂

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