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Category Archives: Adoption

Sonder

Posted on February 4, 2018 by Georgia's Pampering

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An unexpected effect of our adoption journey has been “sonder”.  I happened to be listening to Vsauce’s YouTube episode on The Science of Awkwardness  as I was working on the introduction scrapbook for the adoption, which is provided to the caseworkers and prospective Kiddo.  I stopped what I was doing a couple of minutes in and watched the episode without any other activity, because it was kind of an eye-opening moment to finally have a name for what I was realizing as I worked on things for Kiddo.  He discussed sonder, which is explained wonderfully by him, but is from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.

 

“The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows is a compendium of invented words written by John Koenig. Each original definition aims to fill a hole in the language—to give a name to emotions we all might experience but don’t yet have a word for. Follow the project, give feedback, suggest an emotion you need a word for, or just tell me about your day.”  It defines sonder as “the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.”.  There’s a lot of great information in both videos to explain it and gives great examples to help you put it into perspective in regards to your own life, so I highly recommend both videos.

 

As I have worked on different exercises to prepare us for parenting a child who experienced trauma, and read at least a hundred posts about it, and worked on Kiddo’s room, I learned that we need to go into parenting Kiddo with the realization that there is a whole other life that Kiddo has had, good and bad, and that we need to not only be there for Kiddo and try to bond, but understand that we need to acknowledge and work with the other main characters in her life.  It’s no different than my being a stepdaughter, really.  Both families are part of my story, but they’re probably an extra in one another’s life, and only connected through me.  Kiddo’s life pre-adoption is filled with other people and experiences, and they’re not just part of some worksheet or case study that we’re supposed to work through.  She has all ready had such a complex life at such a young age. 

 

It’s not something you really think about usually.  You know that your friends have lives and you’re an extra in them, but you don’t always really realize that they are the main character of their own novel, just like you are the main character of yours.  This young lady has an extensive life that we not only have to “work through”, but we need to bond with any other supporting characters in her story that she desires, and we need to work to become the leading supporting characters in her story once we meet her.  There was finally a name to explain this concept that I was suddenly so aware of.  You take the concept for granted and don’t think about it when they’re your friend or someone else in your own life, but when it’s someone that you don’t know (yet), you don’t really think about how they have their own story and you’re just an extra in it.  And we have to work hard to not only help heal this teenager, help her reach her potential, and bond with her, but also recognize the previous chapters of her life and incorporate her other supporting characters into our family life if she wants that.  

 

We had to do a project in our TIPS-MAPP class (taken to help those considering adoption and fostering how to recognize and handle trauma in youth) where we had to make a diagram of the connections in our lives.  We’re each a little bubble and you draw lines to bubbles of other aspects that make up your life, such as interests and other people, and how strong those connections are.  When we did ours and then listened to our teacher’s description of her own family diagram, where her connections to the step and adopted children led then to connections to their own family and friends as well, suddenly the little diagram becomes this huge connected world that is just one family’s story and I realized that our own diagram will be so different one year after making the one for class.  And I started becoming more aware of this butterfly effect of connections.  I might be a nerd, but this was mind blowing for me and not something I’d ever really paid attention to.  

 

Within a week I came across Vsauce’s video and suddenly I know I have finally realized what sonder is.  I pray each day to “…have a good impact…” and it wasn’t just about making something easier for others; it was about making that page of their story a little better, if not improving the rest of their chapter, because they have just as difficult, blessed, and unpredictable of a life as I do.  And somewhere out there Kiddo is living her own life, waiting to become a permanent part of a family, while starring in her own story with all of these other characters.  It’s no longer just about raising our daughter; it’s about respecting and incorporating her story’s characters into ours.  I couldn’t wait to become a mother of some unknown person, but then the love went beyond the concept finally, and I fell in love with this unknown person that has all ready lived a few chapters of her life and is just as complicated as we are.  Sonder helped me convert adoption from a two dimensional concept to the beauty of falling in motherly love with a complicated person with a short, traumatic, story that I will become a lead supporting character in.  It’s no longer about my story, or his, or ours.  Our story will now become part of hers and we will have a whole new book.  A new book with three flawed, complicated, and blessed main characters.   

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Kiddo’s Room

Posted on February 1, 2018 by Georgia's Pampering

I realized that I never shared any pics of the renovation from storage and cat box room into Kiddo’s room, so here goes! I’ve noticed that the formatting when I blog via my app is rather smashed together no matter how much of a gap I leave between paragraphs or pictures, so I apologize now, because the pics are on my phone and that means I’m blogging on the app again. Now that I know about the issue I promise to try to utilize the other version as often as possible. On to the good stuff now!

This is when you first step into the doorway. It’s kind of an odd shaped room, due to the back to back closets between her room and ours. This first bookcase will be shared (since I lost my space when I organized all of the tools and such into my office so it would all be in one place). Since the picture was taken I filled the bookcase with cookbooks, my favorite educational books, and the small group of physical fictional books that I just couldn’t give up. The bookcase against her back wall will probably get moved out soon, so that we can actually put my old office desk there (modified to fit, but it’ll still be heavy duty desk). I’ve been looking up design plans for shelving above the desk and her tv will go on the desk, too.

This is taken from the back wall bookcase facing the entry where the other pic was taken from. We decided to swap the closet door for curtains that she can tie back. It gives more accessibility when going between the closet and the room, since the door would pretty much close off the back half of the room. *laugh* What you can’t see is the long cherry wood dresser on the short wall beside the closet with a mirror running the full length. There is also a quilt rack from my mom at the end of Kiddo’s brand new bed on the frame that’s been passed down to Larry. The bed sits so hi I need a small stool to get enough boost to not look like a little kid trying to climb up. *grin*

Look how tall that sits!! *laugh* That bed and bedding is more luxurious than any hotel I’ve ever been in, let alone owned! We want her to feel and see the care we put into her room. It’s the nicest room in our house. *grin* Come Spring we will sand and stain all of the wood to match the cherry, so it’ll be even more incredible then. And after painting the room three times (nope, don’t want to talk about it, just know that we learned a whole lot about what not to buy and use for painting!), Kiddo is welcome to swap out the cream walls and pink cocoa trim, and make it all her own. I’ll be happy to keep her company or give tips, but I am not painting that room myself ever again!!

Abby is absolutely obsessed with “Sister’s” room and races to the door anytime a person gets near it. *laugh* She loves to attack the little tucks in the comforter, watch me hang decorations like the print out I framed, and watches out the lace curtains sometimes, unless nap time hits and then she is snoring up near the pillows.

On her dresser is a makeup organizer, storage containers, the most meaningful quote that I framed, and then two projects I did for her. I spent a long time making her the year long jar. Each topic is color coded, so she can easily grab the right one to read for whatever she’s feeling. I even used different scissor borders for each type. (Yeah, I went a bit overboard, but when don’t I when it comes to Kiddo, really? *grin*) I also made the small Anti-Depressant Kit, which I found on Pinterest and thought it would be perfect. One with those sentiments would have really helped while I was mired in working through my traumas, so I’m hoping Kiddo will find some peace from it, and know that she is loved. There is also a basket on the dresser with gift cards we received to help get whatever she needs and help her learn to budget her money, if that was never taught. I also put a collage of the Shower in the mirror edge.

The basket on the bed is now divided up between a lot of gift bags and almost everything is hidden in her closet now. Our social worker pointed out that it might be overwhelming to come for the first overnight visitation and have so many things to go through. I read that sometimes they’ll also expect to be showered in gifts if visitation starts that way, and I also read some grown adoptees had a hard time as kids when they came into the home and were all ready overwhelmed by the new surroundings, being around the new parents in the new home, and then they felt that they had to put on this performance of excitement despite needing a little time to process everything else. And they were afraid to voice that because they might get sent back. Reading their journeys and tips has been so helpful, but I’ve shed many a tear for how much fear and sadness even the happiest adopted child hides. Anyway, that helped curb some of my shopping for her until we actually get to know her, plus it means I get to throw a Placement Party for her (how big it is will totally be up to Kiddo, since she might prefer just her new “family” for a bit). No matter the size of the party, she will pretty much have a Christmas sized haul that day. *laugh* If ever there is doubt before that day, this should show her how much we care – it’s hard to believe, but I got several cheesy, lovey items that are so uncharacteristic of me. *grin*

We still don’t know when we will get to read the other half of her profile, let alone when we will meet her, but at least everyone in this process knows that we are ready to make our family complete. Her room is waiting for her and so are we. Sometimes I sit on the stool in Kiddo’s room and it helps me remember why we have continued this difficult journey. It may be hard to be on God’s timeline instead of my desired immediate timeline, but it’s all been worth it. Every person deserves a home and a family, no matter how old they are.

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Empowerment

Posted on January 30, 2018 by Georgia's Pampering

While the medicine is keeping my symptoms at bay, I’ve decided to write about my latest step toward empowerment. Settle in for a long one. I tried to shorten it as much as I could. 🙂

I saw my disability psychiatrist last week; we’ll call her “H” for being such a huge help my learning to cope with becoming disabled so young, just as my career was truly starting. During some of the sessions we’ve discussed how sometimes the symptoms from Fibro can trigger my PTSD from the abuse I suffered years ago. That’s when I realized that a lot of the things I did over the years was to empower myself, so that he couldn’t have control ever again, and why I’m such a control freak.

Although we don’t discuss my ex that often, I had to go over the main parts of the abuse, over and over again, as part of the adoption process. They want every little detail of your life, which I don’t begrudge them for, since they’re trying to find good homes for these children and to keep them safe. Plus, sometimes an adopting parent that has been abused is like a ticking time bomb for their PTSD to kick in while helping a child cope with their own trauma. Thankfully I’ve learned a lot and will be able to handle it, since I’ve been dealing with PTSD from several life events. I’ve worked hard to understand abuse, so I got my certification in Victim’s Advocacy, and then I worked to never be weak enough to be a victim again, mentally or physically.

At the previous appointment H and I discussed how I can’t allow my illness and disability to define me, and she blew my mind when she pointed out that I’ve been angry for so long. Anger at losing the life I was on track for before my relapse, anger at having physical weaknesses again, and anger that I had to lose my career that would have helped improve our financial situation, so I wouldn’t feel so guilty for L having such a burden on his shoulders. Although I felt it, I never was able to realize that it was anger at my disability that made me frustrated so often. And that I had never truly mourned the losses in order to move on. Losing that life and all of the dreams that went with it; they’ll never be my path and I will have different abilities, choices, and paths that I will take. With the mourning I also need to deal with the associated triggers and work on my PTSD before I can help Kiddo.

So I worked for months to let go and mourn each piece. I still have trouble sometimes with dealing with my inability to visit friends when I want to, or the independence of driving anywhere if I wanted to, not being able to access all of my knowledge at times, and most especially my physical weakness. Mourning my previous life and trying to embrace my new path became very empowering, and when we decided to adopt I decided that I wanted to be a good female role model for her – I want to show her that no matter what she went through, we can take back the control and stop being a survivor or victim. I hope my being empowered will help her to tap into her potential and find her happiness. I don’t want her past traumas to define her life, either, so if I can work through mine, I can help her through hers…I hope and pray.

During last week’s conversation H also asked how I will handle my PTSD being possibly triggered by Kiddo’s traumas, especially if I will have to help her work through the same traumas I suffered. Thankfully I have a great support system of loved ones that can step in, if needed, but I also truly believe a quote I was sent that basically said that I had survived because God had plans ahead where I would use that knowledge and compassion. However, I admit that there are a lot of unexpected triggers and I am slowly working through them. The waiting period triggered a lot of my fears and my greatest fear now is that my ex could come after Kiddo.

I know it will shatter me if he decided to punish me by hurting what I value; it’s the specialty of an abuser, and after seeing me mourn the loss of Sierra, our daughter, he will know that I’d rather die than lose Kiddo. With his twisted justifications, what if my traumatized Kiddo ever gets attacked or raped by him because of me? Until H and J talked about it I didn’t realize how much that fear had taken hold of me. It took a long time for him to stop stalking me; even L didn’t realize that we were stalked during outings in our first couple of years. I don’t know if any other girl ever managed to get away from him, if any other girl ever stood up to him like I did once I had given up…I don’t know if a switch can suddenly flip and make him decide to revisit that hatred and find me again. And now my info is out there after I hid it for so many years; social media has made it difficult to stay in the shadows.

“Know thine enemy”, so I know he moved back into the state and where he currently lives. He isn’t even an hour away. It would be easy to take up the stalking again, especially when I never understood what triggered him to become fixated the first or second time.

Without fully acknowledging where my risk analysis and PTSD trigger had taken me, I became terrified of being the cause for more trauma to Kiddo. When I finally realized it is when H leaned toward me and said I needed to stop giving him that power, if I want to teach Kiddo to learn from her trauma and to grow. I can’t actually teach that to her when I’m giving someone else the power to make me afraid again. And, when it comes down to it, my fear won’t protect Kiddo. I have to focus on letting go of fear and feel strong again, so I can be living proof for Kiddo that the trauma can teach us how to become even stronger. If we can both take away the power of victimizing us from everyone in our pasts, I’ll truly be able to help empower my daughter to mourn her losses and not let life’s challenges define her.

With that frighteningly vulnerable post I am going to turn on Fun’s “Carry On” and snuggle in my favorite blanket. Time to pamper myself a bit. 🙂

If you need help working through your abuse, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (if you live in USA). The Hotline and 911 can and will help you if you are currently being abused. It seems impossible now, but it gets better, I promise, and if you need help working through it, a nerdy stranger on the internet will be there for you if you reach out.

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We Made a Little Progress

Posted on January 22, 2018 by Georgia's Pampering

The wait during the adoption process is killer.  I’m going to be very straightforward about that and I’ve had a really hard time handling it, especially with the take control kind of personality I developed.  I have a sincere belief that the only reason I survived some of my struggles is because God was preparing me for this journey.  I went through different traumas to prepare me to help my girl through hers.  

 

Now, please bear with me since this is going to take me a while to write, because I’m not good about being this vulnerable.  We still haven’t gotten far, but it turns out that it has taken longer than expected because there was a massive computer issue that caused problems on our profile and it snowballed.  However, the silver lining is what matters.  As the wait continued we began to worry that we had been rejected for some reason and it finally got to the point that I was absolutely terrified of it deep down, although I kept trying to hold onto that hope.  When they contacted us about the computer issue and what things they needed, etc., our case worker officially said that we are in the process.  There’s a lot more ahead, but finally some confirmation and now we wait for the next step.  From there we use my training and God’s direction, and we will get our missing piece.  I will be a mom.  I hoped, I dreamed, and I tried to prepare in every way I could come up with during that down time, but I was still so scared underneath.  I’ve gotten used to wearing a mask because of my Fibro; “It’s my mission to get through everyday doing the best that I can.  When you say I look ‘perfectly fine’, I know I am succeeding!  I have years of experience with this now…and because you do not see the pain that I am in, I know that I am accomplishing my best.  So, thank you!” (Fibro Affirmations, specific author unknown.)  Since I’m so used to my Fibro mask, it wasn’t so hard to put on my “It just takes time” face, apparently.  And I tried to mask it inside so that I wasn’t so aware of my fear, so that I could keep pushing and preparing.  Now my second mask can come off and I can have full faith that I get to be “mama bear”.  *grin* Who knows how much longer it’ll still take to get to that next step, but it’s in writing.  We’re going to get there.  We’re going to be parents.

 

While I was desperately trying to cling to hope and belief, L gave me the most beautiful Christmas gift to keep me going during such a hard time.  He flew my best friend since childhood from California to host a Motherhood Shower for me.  (A Motherhood Shower is like a Baby Shower, but they’re celebrating that rite of passage into motherhood that most adoptive mothers never get.  People celebrate, give gifts, encouragement, and advice with a biological child.  Or even with people that adopt babies.  The age shouldn’t matter; this is still my first daughter and will always be my first child, no matter if we adopt another or not.  I will be her mother for the rest of our lives, through the good and the bad, no matter what.)

 

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I cropped out the details and names, but that was the theme and those were my colors.  1800 miles and we were able to do a bang up job of coordinating a neat little Shower, and it was truly a celebration of my journey into Motherhood.  Best of all, getting to be with her for several days after nearly fourteen years without face to face contact, gave me such faith and hope.  Not just in the adoption either, but in being strong through the struggles with my Fibro progression, my fear of failing Kiddo because of my illness, and so many more things that are so vulnerable that I’ve only ever talked with her about them.  Some of them I never admitted to anyone else and worked through them with her help, and will never discuss them again unless my daughter needs to hear what I went through and how I got through all of it.  

 

Back to the Shower now that I have cleared that annoying water that was pooling in my eyes (nope, I wasn’t crying.  I don’t cry.  Nope.  I’m just going to keep saying that until I believe I’m just that tough. lol).  I used to think I lost a lot of friends due to Fibro, but what really happened was that I learned who my true friends are, and some of those special people are family for us and will be for Kiddo.  They’re the family we chose, so right from the get go Kiddo knows it’s not about the genes for us.  It’s about love and friendship.  And a small group of our family and friends came to my Shower.  It really couldn’t have been better, other than having more time for some (I picked a day that had a bunch of stuff going on that I didn’t know about, which made it extra hard for some to attend the Shower, and made it extra special that they did).  We went all out with pink and black, and glitter, oh my!  *happy sigh* It was a slow prep process, but it really helped keep me working on the adoption in some way, which kept that flame of hope alive.  As the invite says it was a cocoa buffet, so we had the most decadent and delicious hot cocoa (I’ll share the recipe later), with tons of mix-ins, and a few snacks, plus my mom got me the most perfect cake shaped like a puzzle piece, since our theme has been that we’ve been looking for our missing puzzle piece. 

 

Sorry, had to take a pause and look at the ceiling.  Might have been a cobweb to watch for.  Not because I was teary eyed or anything, so stop thinking that!  It was all so perfect for me.  Intimate, loving, an amazing host that kept the pressure off of me, the encouragement, the games, and the most beautiful tradition of sending our hopes for Kiddo and my motherhood journey out into the world.  It wouldn’t have been quite so perfect without L’s gift.  Not just because she’s the best coordinator and host in the world, hands down, but because she’s a huge part of this adoption.  When I was faltering in my faith due to another set of struggles there was no judgement, just love, compassion, and help.  And that, plus the little bits of the Shower that we have up as reminders, helped me get through until we got the official confirmation that we will adopt.  We. Will. Adopt.  I just needed those reminders of His handiwork while preparing us for this new chapter in our lives.  And next, a few pictures of our little set up…

 

 

As you can see, even Skully got in on the party, although I’m sure he wasn’t too thrilled to be in a frilly women’s masquerade mask, but he’s been dressed up in different things all year long for years, so I couldn’t leave him out.  And all of those little hand painted puzzle pieces that were used as table scatter…my friend had the most brilliant idea of filling an empty candle tumbler with them, so they’re right by the tv and a constant reminder of our beautiful puzzle piece that we will get to meet someday.  And next is the cake, now that my eyes aren’t so itchy.  *grin*

 

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I had to keep the party very intimate, so if you weren’t invited, it isn’t that you were snubbed, please believe me.  We weren’t sure until a few weeks before that the Shower would get to actually take place and all venues were booked by then, so it had to be a tiny crowd that could fit in our cozy little living room.  And this wasn’t the official Adoption party that everyone will be invited to.  This was for me, my journey, and how best to help my daughter when we start out.  If Kiddo agrees to an Adoption party, believe me, there will be a total loss of control and I’m going to go hog wild with a big ole party to celebrate her!!  

 

Anyway, we’re so blessed and thankful to finally get to say that it’s confirmed that we will get to adopt.  We still don’t have details on the delightful young lady, although daily it bewilders me how I can love someone so deeply without having met them or even know their name, or how I feel like the love continues to grow.  It just took me a while to work up the courage to talk about something so dear to me and to admit to my stumbles to get to this point.  My Faith isn’t something that I take lightly, so it was hard to admit that I questioned it to a degree, as things kept dragging along without any word.  My hope is that this admission will help take the burden of guilt off of another future “mama bear” (you better believe after all of this work, waiting, and Faith, I will love and protect my girl so fiercely that I’ll earn that nickname, as will any other Adopting mom! *grin*).  If you’re reading this and going through the waiting phase with your adoption, reach out to me.  I’ll wait with you.  Anyone going through adoption needs a lot of support and sometimes we find it in new, unexpected places, like a tiny blog about a weird nerd and her bath and body craft.  🙂

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Fighting for Her

Posted on January 21, 2018 by Georgia's Pampering

I plan to give a little update on our adoption, but am working up the nerve to discuss such an emotional subject, so I’m taking my first step with this incredible picture list that has been such an encouragement during this process.

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