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I Can Only Imagine©™



I watched the title movie a couple of days before we got notified that we were picked for the adoption and have listened to the song for some time all ready.  It lives in my Absolute Faves Right Now playlist.  While puttering around, working on projects to finish before Kiddo comes over soon, I realized that the song applies in other, just as deep, ways.  I knew that it would be the biggest blessing to find and be approved for our forever daughter.  I didn’t know that there are so many blessings just following that even and I’m in awe of what God has been gifting me with.  Within a couple of days I’ve gotten to talk to my daughter (my daughter!) twice over the phone.  She got distracted at times, but hearing her and talking about things she likes to do or what foods she likes…I had tears in my eyes and my heart swelled like the Grinch’s®; way too big to fit in my little body.  The excitement in her voice about trying things she saw we had done or have that were in the scrapbook about us that I made a long time ago for her; the sadness when she learned Bo had passed away since the book was made; how she can’t wait to learn to scrapbook like this and do crafts with me…I couldn’t have imagined that these “little” moments could be such blessings that I would never have guessed at.  God protected such beautiful gifts for when we finally got matched.


Finding out that we’ll get to meet this next weekend and get to have two stay overs with us next month…I can only imagine how these will affect us down into our souls.  How would we have ever guessed that we would be blessed to have her stay for Thanksgiving break and move in with a few days to spare before Christmas, to be part of our family forever?  Unlike the question in the song, I’ve sang Hallelujah while crying the happiest tears of my life and I’ve been rendered speechless by the beauty of this blessing God is sharing with us.  In about two and a half months we will have our daughter.  After the past few years I can’t even express the awe that we will get to transition her into our home so quickly.  It’s mere weeks, realistically!  Just months ago I wondered what my purpose in life was; why I had survived the attempted murder.  A few months later God gave us a new path to walk full of love and learning that our purpose is to make this young lady happy and feel the start of  our forever love,  and completely change our priorities to spend the rest of our lives helping her to have the happiest life she can.  Preparing for the hard times and crying happy tears while hugging over the good ones.  It’s hard to imagine that the answer would come in such an incredible way.


I had fun over the past two years collecting gifts for her.  I had no idea that buying the additional Christmas gifts that are specific to her interests would be such an adventure!  I get to go to my long awaited concert and the night I come back my daughter will sleep in her bed for the first time in an over-sized concert tee for her nightgown.  I could never have imagined how these little things would feel.


And the soaring of my heart when we all agreed, even her foster father, that internet class based homeschooling is the right thing for her at this time.  She needs that one-on-one time and teaching, plus we get to take trips to help make things like history a real concept instead of something in a book, while still also being able to keep up with schoolwork on the computer when away from home!  Plus, there’s built in socialization along with the gradual socialization we have planned – kind of like a dart board.  The bulls-eye is the core support system we thankfully have.  Once she’s comfortable and settled, we will expand out a bit to the next circle of friends and family, and then we will expand to school-organized events, socializing with other kids going to the same homeschool, meeting more distantly connected people, etc.  I’m very thankful that God worked with our Social Worker to make our dreams of how best to help our child work out.  It’ll also give some much needed bonding time, as well, which she definitely deserves a lot of.


Anyway, I’ve been in a flurry of preparing the house, going through cabinets to try to change things to what will work for her dietary needs, and wrapping all of the Christmas presents that were waiting in her room, since we were told to not hold out hope for success this year.  Plus, a lot of notes to transcribe to put in my other adoption binder, to have on hand in case we need to refer to her history, etc.  I’m also painting wood to become shelves for her room and a shoe rack.  Might as well utilize my joyful energy.  Who would have guessed that I’d get a few extra spoons after talking to my daughter?!  On the flip side, I have a lot of time I get distracted by the awe of it all and just sit in prayer or meditation, thankful of these beautiful raindrops of blessings from the big blessing.  *soft smile*


In the meantime, I won’t get as much written, but you’re along for the glorious ride and my asking y’all advice for which type of gift is a better option, since most of you are established parents.  I’m not above asking for help.  *grin*  So pamper on, and I wish you the joy of raindrops of blessings until I can next sit down and gather my mind.  🙂


My Christmas Wish

My most earnest Christmas wish for this year was for us to get matched to Kiddo and have our first “forever family” Christmas. Today we were blessed with the notification that we were picked in the BIS meeting and by the Regent, and we start lining our ducks in a row this Thursday!!

I’m still in shock, I think. I start something and go sit down. After a while I remember I was doing something, go move an item or complete the task, and sit down again to just stare into space. *laugh* I spend time thinking about Christmas, since our Social Worker believes we’ll definitely have Kiddo moved in by then and able to celebrate with us (if not, daring to hope, sooner). Sometimes I wonder how those first minutes are going to be. Will they be awkward, tearfully happy, a bit of both…? And I need to get her suitcase for that first meeting, still, because my daughter isn’t putting her belongings in a trash bag to move. The knowledge that it occurs still tears me up.

In a couple days we get to go over the transition plan, which includes meeting Kiddo in person, visiting on her turf, and bringing her here for some overnighters. It varies with every situation, so who knows if it’ll take her a while to feel comfortable enough to stay overnight or if we’re all running headlong into family life.

So, although I’ve been working on product a lot (and having some EPIC fails!), those plans are getting set aside. I have some fun ones to add to my site now, but lots of my new ideas are going to wait for mother/daughter project times now. I have fun creating product, even when I fail horribly, but we’ve waited so many years for this blessing that my business is going back to being a craft now. I’ll share some of the fails with you soon, just for a good laugh and to mourn with me how pretty they looked at first. *laugh* Once I know Kiddo’s preferences I need to make some gifts for her. I also am about to hit the manic housewife mode that I need to get my house into some serious order. *grin* Do you remember when I mentioned how I have a hard time dealing with emotions? You add excitement and nerves together, and suddenly our home is good enough for us but not for bringing in Kiddo. Anyone want to paint some boards with me, take things down the ladder into the basement, or steam clean my living room? *laugh*

Beyond the insanity, it’s been a beautiful day of sharing our news. I appreciate every person who has been encouraging, uplifting, and travelled this journey with us. And for those of you who are involved and so excited, thank you for being part of this. We couldn’t have kept going if it wasn’t for all of you. Who would have thought I’d actually get my Christmas wish early? Now that I’m getting all girly and emotional I’m going to go move things around, and then sit back down again for awhile. I think Jacksepticeye is perfect for tonight’s dazed mind.

Until next time, I wish you joy and blessings. 🙂

Happy Birthday Virgos

L and B 9 11 18 Boudouire_097


Happy Birthday to all those Virgos out there!  


I’m sorry for the radio silence since the internet went out.  All sorts of stuff went on, between my laptop starting to go out, internet going back out; all those great moments in life that make you say meh and hide away until the next day.  Next thing you know it’s been quite a while since you’ve blogged.  *grin* I have managed to make several pieces of product that I’m actually sending over to a favorite show in Ireland, plus Christmas items, and had a LOT of failures while making product recipes.  *laugh*


While I’m at it, this is the least enthusiastic I’ve ever felt about my birthday, honestly.  My mind is pulled too many directions, plus it was recently the twentieth anniversary of miscarrying Sierra, which has a lot more emotional impact than just another middling birthday.  It’s a step closer to the fortieth, which is a little less enthusiastic than even this one.  *laugh* It’ll make figuring up my age easier for the doctor’s office, at least.  If you ever wonder about why I’m so critical with myself or analyse everything, just read the definition of a Virgo.  I’m the epitome of the nerdy one.  *grin*


One super huge event that has taken up most of my thoughts while off is that the BIS meeting happened for our hopeful daughter.  We’ll know in a month or so how the results came out, so it’s a dual-edged sword; there’s finally a time frame for expectations, but now there’s a chance that in four or so weeks I may learn that we weren’t selected for this daughter that I felt for as soon as I read her profile.  It’s been just the two of us rattling around in this home for so long that it’s hard to imagine another person, especially when it’s not one that has grown up into our family, but is a mini-adult with us all jumping into massive changes.  I can imagine her at Christmas, making product with me, and going through schoolwork together.  I’m trying to not be excited, since our SW made it sound like it went very favorably, but we’ve been burned so much by our experiences.  Parts of me can’t help but think if we have at least visitation by Christmas I’m turning our home into a mini-Branson.  *laugh* Make a freaking Winter Wonderland for the first Christmas with our daughter, plus it’ll be such a memorable time with the family anyway.  Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of self-editing of my emotions and thoughts, but the hamsters are still pretty lost in the ideas and hope, honestly.


Anyway, I’m back with my new laptop, improved internet connection, and five injuries I’m recovering from.  *laugh* Bengay is considered pampering too, right?  😉

Conference Call



Well, this week was an incredibly hard week for me to get through.  We got notified that the Conference Call for our favorite adoptee would happen on Thursday and got the extended profile on her, as well.  I was honestly terrified.  After all of this waiting, they could straight up say they don’t think we’re a good match and end it all within a few breaths; or that something would come up about her that would mean we don’t have the strengths to meet her needs.  It could have all been over so suddenly.    


Thankfully it turned out to go incredibly, in our opinion, despite some trouble hearing at times with several people all on the line.  Our new SW had given me nudges in the right direction to research, which actually made us even more likable for a choice for this young lady.  Her team talked a lot about her history, what traumas and risks she has, her needs, and their own interactions with her.  All of my questions were answered with extremely positive and reassuring responses, and at the end I was able to look at L and know that we 100% wanted to proceed to BIS.  We were all ready geared up to advocate for her, because she’s had so few that did that for her, that there wasn’t a doubt that she is still number 1 to us.  


It takes several weeks to a couple months in order to get the BIS conference call, where all of the teams and legal sit in on a call and go through the candidates, and then they decide which family can best meet the young lady’s needs.  If that goes well, then the head CW for her will sit down with her and our scrapbook, go over the book and our profile with her, and even give impressions from the conference call.  And then she gets to decide if we appeal enough to her to agree to meet.  So in a couple of months we may have one of the most terrifying meetings of our lives.  Finding out which future an 11 year old (by then 12) holds for us.  If the meeting goes well, we get to start visitations and work toward overnight visitations, to make sure we all fit together despite the awkwardness of the newness of the arrangement.  And then they all get to decide if we get to become her legal custodians, which then means moving her, getting her enrolled in the home school, getting her a wardrobe and all those little things, and all that organizing stuff.  Holy smokes…!


Although it’s probably too fast to come true, there’s a slight chance we’ll get to have visitation with her for Christmas, if she decides she likes us, and that would be all of my dreams, Christmas wishes, and prayers all wrapped into one.  And in a way it’s terrifying beyond belief.  All of those “will I be a good enough mom to actually help her reach her potential”, “will she ever truly know that she’s loved”, and such scrolls around the ground of my mind like a snake, winding between the hamster cages and making them go even crazier with thoughts.  *grin*  So many people have our future in their hands, and although it seemed super positive, even if she chose to give us a try, she has six months to decide if we are really the family for her.  Having a new person in our home that we will have done so much for, who still holds such a valuable part of us in her hands, is such a scary thought.  


Despite the fears, the call was the best we could have ever hoped for, without a single concern about us when I asked, so we were truly blessed there.  We’re blessed that we have an awesome Social Worker that’s actually advocating for us and grooming us to be the best match that we can be for the tween we want to adopt.  And through it all we’re blessed to be going down a new path together that brings us closer together and even helps us learn a lot more about each other that we would never have thought to discuss without adoptive parenthood at stake.  Although at times it’s like we’re on two separate planets when it comes to this process, we’re learning how to work together to achieve goals, despite our different styles and desired time lines, which is something we have always struggled with.  The situation has forced our weaknesses to be addressed and to work through them.  Although I was burned out for a couple days following the call and additional paperwork that was done immediately following to prepare for the BIS, I’m back to a more mild version of my craziness *laugh* and now just have several months to try and distract myself.  Anybody want to come help makes some products or install things so that I can nest while I wait?  *grin*


After all this time we have made it to a BIS.  I honestly started to doubt it would ever happen.  And if things go in our favor, I don’t think I could be more excited to have her complete our forever family.  She’s a unique person with a variety of interests.  Those are such beautiful personality traits.  So, if you feel inclined, a prayer that this works out would be appreciated, and if you really feel all squishy-hearted, a prayer that I get to have my first Christmas as a mom happen this year would be a massive blessing.   I’m so ready to Santa up a big stocking for her.  😀 

A Few Decisions



We actually are going to talk directly to a Case Worker about one of the girls!  *happy dance*  I’ve exchanged emails with several and actually am going to miss one that taught me a whole lot on how to do the out-of-state (OOS from here on out) social work on my own, but we gave up on one of the girls that she oversees.  This time, though, we get to talk to one over the phone!  An actual mini-conference call!!  We’re still waiting to hear from the Case Worker on the Kansas girl that our Social Worker keeps trying to get hold of, because we are ready to go with the conference call and move on to the BIS to see if we can get matched with her.  However, we’ve been burned a lot in this process and kept going with the ones OOS.  We actually are seeing some progress.  I really needed to know that someone is actually interested in us.  It’s an amazing boost during a very difficult time.  Anyway, this teen is in MO, which would really help with some of the costs.  To top it off another Case Worker for a tween in OH that I really, really like too is interested.  


I finally learned from that amazing Case Worker that taught me so much to actual write follow up emails when we don’t get responses after submitting inquiries on the adoption website.  At first I was so robotic and intimidated, honestly.  It finally clicked that I’m turning in our parenting resume (apparently the system believes we should do away with the accent; sorry!), so now I write inquiry emails that address all of the seldom-mentioned needs and desires we can fulfill that are in the profile, or what things we do that would mesh well with the teen’s personality.  I also attach our Home Study, but if I manage to get their attention with the inquiry email letters, they always want another copy.  I think it’s to keep a paper trail that they requested and it wasn’t a voluntary submission, but I’m just faking this whole social worker stuff, so got me.  *grin*  These follow ups have gotten us attention for a couple of girls, so we may actually have a decent chance of adopting now that I’ve learned so much about this.  So…go me!  *laugh*


It’s no secret I’ve been nesting for well over a year now and I really want her room finished, which would mean that I could also get the gym/storage room done finally, too.  (My big wood desk we got when I started my first business will have some surgery and is going from what was my office to her room, and my office will finish the transformation.)  We will have an area for Kiddo to be active and exercise in the evening if she’s still feeling energetic or if she needs to burn off some emotions.  It’ll also be nice to not have Eddie in the living room and when you turn, before memory kicks in, for a scary moment there’s a really buff dude hanging out in the dark by the window.  *laugh*  So he will go into the gym and stop startling people.  Just yesterday we finally figured out how we want to change the desk after I drew up a variety of hastily made blueprints with different options.  So one more decision down.


We also both agreed that we still want to do what we always planned on if I’d gotten pregnant – I’m going to home school.  I talked to our Social Worker about it and she provided information later on about the Kansas branch of Connections Academy, which is an online public school that is approved and can work with the mild IEPs our Kiddo may have.  The more I read about the curriculum, watch unsolicited user reviews on YouTube, and the built in socialization they brilliantly worked into the program.  Attending online classes and working on assignments together (deja vu to my Victim’s Advocacy Certification course *grin*), plus parents can look in the private directory and reach out to those nearby to see about doing extra field trips together or respite or just a teen play date (what do you call those even?!).  On top of it, annually they have a set get together for any Academy user families to attend if they’d like, to make connections, assist with more socialization, and even learn from some instructors on ways to handle situations that may arise in schooling (etc.), while the kids and teens get to do some really fun activities led by teachers, like scavenger hunts.  We didn’t think that this would be an option since so much is out of our control, but because we have a built in socialization group in our support system with lots of plans for ways to increase her exposure to kids going to the local schools if she wants to get back into standard public schooling at the start of the next school year, plus the socialization built into this school, we get to actually parent one aspect the way we always dreamed of.  There are so many subject tie in projects, field trips, and shows that I’ve written out, that I’m actually super excited.  *laugh* 


Pure nerd, I know.  Plus, I originally was either going to be a journalist or a Creative Writing Teacher originally, before my life veered the other direction, and that part of me is so into the thought of planning things out to make sure that Kiddo is at least caught up to her grade if not beyond them, by the time that school year ends.  *crossing fingers*  Doing this allows me time for extra bonding with Kiddo and to set time aside for us to work through trauma, healthy boundaries, and such, and will help her establish a safe feeling of home and family before facing lots of new people again, which could trigger some of their issues (and I hope that we can decrease that chance at least somewhat).  This program has a great success rate with being prepared for college, the workforce, or a military career, with an impressive amount being approved for college that tried.  Shoot, we can watch an episode of Warehouse 13 and then research the real mythology or past of the “artifact” from the show!  There are SO many learning opportunities and with my mom’s extensive knowledge about St. Joseph, MO’s historical locations, we can even do a history field trip in one day that could bring history alive for Kiddo.  That’s exactly what worked for me, when we visited out here while living in CA still.  Going into the Pony Express Museum and seeing/reading everything about the gunslingers made it all connect that history is full of real people and lives, not just facts.  That light bulb moment.  Whatever subject it is in, and however much time and effort it takes, I don’t care, but I really hope to be the one that is there for that transformation.  I’m smiling like the proud parent of a newborn just thinking about it.  *shaking head at self*  


There has been so much pain and waiting that getting back to a point to start making the rest of the decisions is a beautiful thing.  And the fact that we can home school as we always dreamed?  Language is insufficient for the happiness and excitement it brings me.  Although our path wound more than any theme park trail, we get to keep some of the core choices of parenting.  I would be an incredibly happy and blessed mom to be able to adopt any of these three girls that are currently an actual possibility.   We have other inquiries out, but each of these has something special that others don’t, at least for me.  I knew that a person could fall in love with more than one person in their lifetime.  I never knew how much the heart could expand to love so many at least a little bit.  Or that I could fall in love with these young lives just by reading their life and personality story.  Excuse me while I regain my vision after that sudden little rain storm.  It’s also a bit weird to think that I’ll have all ready started to love Kiddo before we know it’s even her.  And that I still hold a special spot in my heart for each girl who has touched our lives just a bit.  I’m really ready to get closer to filling the rest of my heart with Kiddo, though.  


And make a few more decisions as soon as possible.  🙂 

Wednesday is Coming Back



We had a wonderful Fourth of July spent with friends and their kids, between my continued surgery recovery and before L ended up with oral surgery that he healed remarkably fast from (so not fair).  It’s been a lot of Groundhog Day©; same stuff, different day.  Throughout it all has been a lot of work on adopting that is enough to make my head spin yet again.


The emotional part is starting to take quite a toll on me at times.  I re-watched Mama Mia© to have it fresh in my mind before my mom and I go see the sequel, and I bawled so hard, for so long, over “Slipping Through My Fingers”©.  Just thinking of the song gets the ole water works going.  The girls that we have inquired and worked toward are all aging while we wait through this system.  We’re losing the precious little time we have with them.  Then I started getting acne and an oily T-zone again.  Seriously.  Hormones from emotions be gone…NOW.


With a lot of this I have gotten so worn down mentally and emotionally that I didn’t feel like me anymore.  I’ve always loved and cracked up at the Wednesday Addams© character, and in a lot of ways I relate to her sense of humor and mischievous streak.  I may look innocent, but I like that looking innocent makes people underestimate me.  I really appreciated it when I was able to flip a guy over my shoulder because of it and walk away safe.  And I appreciate that when strangers make me mad, they’re never quite sure where my mind is going or what I may be planning.  It’s the part of my personality that L likes best, I suspect.  *grin*


In all reality, I’ve never been a super cheerful, cute decorations, happy unicorns, and as-sweet-as-apple-pie kind of gal.  I’m the one that sits in the corner observing people and interactions, that can only carry on a conversation easily with someone in my “care about” zone, and whose strongest love language is giving gifts, because I care more about making things easier for others or making them smile.  And I’ve always wanted to be as okay with being me as the Wednesday Addams character was, especially when played by Christina Ricci.  Admittedly it’d also be hard to resist playing the game “Is There a God?” with a few people from my past…(Kuddos if you get that movie reference, by the way!!).  Since the movie came out when I was young I tried to learn from her and accept that I’m different, and that it’s not always bad to be different from the mainstream crowd.  It’s hard when people don’t understand me or why things interest me, but I’m still learning that it comes with me being a bit different.


The saddest part to me for the past few months is that I lost the pride and strength of associating with that character.  I could only see the crying at Hallmark commercials, not getting to exercise, developing a really bad infection, very sad shadow of me.  I was a name behind hundreds of pages of paperwork, inquiries, and emails. I was the one with my nose stuck in all of the assigned and recommended reading for parenting traumatized children.  I was the one juggling so many thoughts that I stopped watching most of my British shows, reading my cozy mysteries, and nothing could hold my attention.  I was, quite simply, lost.


Thankfully I was on SL late one night, talking with a really good friend, and we talked over this, because he’s one of the few that understands how lost I feel.  We had an incredible night of hanging out in his SL pool and just talking for hours.  My eyes are filling now, but he said I’m still a lot more Wednesday than I give myself credit for.  Then he said one of the most awesome statements that is super empowering to me that I’m going to post by my bed about being careful to not “poke” people like me.  In five minutes he did more than anything else has in months.  I felt more like me again and felt… strong (thank you Derek; that’s a gift I will always treasure).  I can be the misunderstood and underestimated me, yet still do all of this.  I can’t let myself get lost in this process, despite how easy it is for all of it to consume every moment and thought.  When I meet our daughter I want them to meet ME, not the shadow that has been lost in the adoption system.  So I’m bringing back the raised eyebrow, the looking over my glasses at someone, and the quirky smile that hints about all of the things in my mind that you really don’t want to know about that amuse me.  For a while it’ll just be a show; until I can work out again (a week left of antibiotic and I think this sinus stuff might finally be over thankfully!), find my confidence, and stop worrying about how the Case Workers are judging me (because honestly, it’s best that they like the real me and not just what’s best on paper!).  They say “fake it until you make it”.  Well, it’ll take a little faking to get the confidence back in place and then hopefully I’ll let the real me show in all it’s impish glory.  *grin*


I’m just so thankful to not feel lost in a twirling toilet bowl of emotions, to do lists, and remembering which child to follow up on.   It sounds stupid, but it’s become a bigger part of my life the longer this has taken, and there are a lot of things I have to consider and decide, and I started to believe that this new unknown person was who I needed to become.  I’ll always be thankful that I got pulled back from the edge, because I don’t think that woman is capable of being a good mother.  Just a thankful and tired one.  The real me is capable of smiling with my daughter as we are all homicidal maniacs for Halloween and laughing at the mutters about how weird we are.





“It’s Enough to Drive You Crazy if You Let It”©



Who would have thought that Dolly Parton’s classic song would have a lyric that would thoroughly apply to adoption?  *laugh*  I don’t know that many would call me sane anyway, but this process is pushing me closer to the bonkers edge, that’s for sure.  


We met our new Social Worker in person this past Friday and I’m really tickled to have such an awesome SW now.  She patiently answered the tons of questions I had come up with since things started going downhill with the previous SW, actually finalized our Home Study so it’s officially legal (it’s those little things that take 9 months and a new worker that makes me happy *laugh*), and was actually really nice.  Unlike the previous SW she really liked Kiddo’s room and loves the idea of it being move-in-ready, plus she loves the sayings and encouraging projects I hung or placed around the room.  She even liked my label maker obsession, so that Kiddo can find what she wants without having to ask, in case she’s feeling shy or uncomfortable (I can’t tell you how many times I wanted something to drink but was too shy to ask where the glasses were and never want Kiddo to go through that as she adjusts to her new home).  Several ticks that were previously against us got changed to strengths that we have, so that really helped me feel better about how we stand as an adopting family.


Unfortunately, just as our expected time frame for prospective child placement was about to come up, it got pushed off by another year.  That was a hard one to handle without either crying or wanting to start burning to prevent any anger from building up.  It is what it is, but just felt like a hit to the gut that it may be a whole extra year, making it 2.5 years in the process.  As usual, it is up to what time brings and see what happens.  Some days I get really tired of being “paperwork pregnant”, as many women refer to the adoption process.  Always something new to fill out or to read.  Thankfully I have all ready read several of the suggested reading “homework” we were given and the fact that I’m learning directly from the blog of what they consider an adoption expert went a long way.  And I’ve been blessed with making a new friend through my latest interest in SL photography who turns out to work with IEP and Special Ed children, so if our Kiddo has any educational needs that I’m unsure how to work with, I have a resource ready to provide research and encouragement.  So despite it all, there are blessings underneath it all.  


All of it opened up some unexpected pathways to us and also helped us make some clear decisions on what we will pursue/not pursue.  We’ve been pretty open minded throughout this, except for making sure this is a safe home for the possible adoptee, and this helped us widen our ideal traits list, while ruling out some other options that opened to us (I wouldn’t have made it through figuring out what was best in that possible situation, so thank you Dawn for helping me, if you’re reading this!!).  We are now considering tweens instead of strictly teens, which is a big change of thinking in some ways.  We actually formally decided to put our hat in the ring on one and they’re even in our state, so the fundraising would be used for school supplies and maybe even a tiny trip to celebrate that allows us some time away to bond as a family, before regular life begins, if we get picked.  


We’ve gone to the next step on others before and gotten so hurt that I can’t help but be nervous, plus we have so many out-of-state that are in flux, that I feel like my heart is being pulled in so many directions.  And the nice part to a tween is if it takes the year for the process to actually finalize, she won’t be about to graduate without a true chance to bond to become her forever family.  *sigh*  This process is just mind boggling and frustrating.  I just changed my hair color and I bet you within a couple days I’m going to find some white hairs from all of this.  *laugh*  


In the meantime I’ve stopped the puzzle piece fundraising, especially if it may be a year still, and we have no idea where we stand on the OOS young ladies we’ve been working toward.  I just know I’m ready to complete our family and that there are way too many children/teens out there that we, as a society, have turned away from.  Hopefully in the next few years Kiddo and I can start a fundraiser to get backpacks or suitcases for kids, and at least eradicate the trash bag scenario within a couple counties near us.  If we can help raise some awareness and advocate for these children, maybe the “village” will come back together to help take care of our lost children.  For a child to bounce so often that they haven’t had a stable enough living condition to get the grant to get their free braces is a disgrace, or is a grade behind because they didn’t have enough continual days in school since they were in flux for so long; it’s unacceptable that we have allowed the process to become this way.  We are mostly just uninformed of how all of this is handled.  So hopefully I’ll be able to advocate on several parts and gain enough voices to join mine to get us heard.  Anyway, I’ll step off my soap box and put it away for the moment.  *smile*


I’ll break my nails holding onto my patience waiting to see what comes our way next, but at least my hope is stronger today.  A flashlight in the dark.  Or the train getting closer on a circle track, as L commented to me.  If the train is coming again, at least I know I can get back up again and dust myself off while I wait for the next step of the path.  I survived a lot of things, but for a while I didn’t think I’d survive this process.  Right now I am back to the strength I had a year ago and have some hope, so “we’ll see”.  *grin*

Back in the Saddle!



Okay, first, a totally girly moment with very girly font color…oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!  Yesterday we got notified that our profile had been approved by AdoptUS all ready and that we could submit inquiries now.  In the wee hours I finished our national profile (it took a while to find a pic that fit their size and didn’t cut half our faces off or other weird things).  I then did 7 inquiries (we actually have 177 matches nation wide [!!], but narrowed it down to the states around us).  A few hours later we all ready received three responses from case workers, all requesting information that I had to email my social worker for, since I’ve never received the completed forms yet.  One response was from the case worker of the girl that actually sparked our decision to take this fork in the road!  

I’m trying so hard to not get overly excited or expectant, since we’ve been there and done that with a lot of heartache, but when I sent an email in response to the requested info, explaining the delay while I work to get that information, I literally got tingles.  So silly and so incredibly happy that we are able to work toward finding and getting Kiddo again.  Never would I have expected to have gone this route, but I am so thankful that God gave me the courage to take this step.  It’s terrifying to be handling all of this by myself, instead of having a social worker to mediate and do the main work, but I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and started the new path.  I’m freaking giddy, despite knowing this could all come to just heartache.  We have options and hope again.  

Thank you for all of the support and encouragement!  I wouldn’t have been able to make it to this path without it, so that God could then do His work.  Although it’s still so scary, with God and all of you, I have actual hope again.  My Fibro is being horrific right now, but for once I’m able to not focus on it and just be happy.  I feel like that scene in Hook© where Tink has Peter think a happy thought and he learns to fly again.  I learned to hope again.  I don’t know what challenges we will face next, but I can’t help happily crying.  It’s a beautiful, shining moment along this incredibly long journey.  So please cross your fingers I can get our information from KS early next week and be able to send it on to the other case workers.  And thank you, again, for being there throughout this.  In our case it takes a village to get our girl and I’m thankful for this village. 

The Roller Coaster



After hitting the one year mark since we began this journey I realized that I’ve gotten depressed due to not progressing during this time.  Our adoption journey has been quite an emotional roller coaster.  When I realized how bad my first feeling from contact from the social worker was complete and utter fear, I knew that I had some work to do on changing my perspective.


I was completely unable to be rational when I saw that she had emailed us.  Terrified that it would mean we have been denied, scared that our dream will get shattered, and honestly a bit panicked because this single person has the dream of our adoption in her hands.  We’re past the happy and hopeful honeymoon stage, while we are now in the worry and pain stage instead.


Adoption is completely worth everything we have gone through and I wholeheartedly believe in it, and I will hopefully be able to advocate for these children in some way someday.  The waiting part, especially once it goes beyond a month without hearing anything, is pretty much like having PMS, in my opinion.  Sorry male readers, but I’m totally going there since it’s a great comparison of feelings.  Anyway, after that honeymoon phase the PMS sneaks in.  You notice that you’re a little more emotional than usual; you can cry from either a sweet or heartbreaking commercial even.  You then hear that internal clock ticking down to THE DAY, but you have absolutely no idea if the train is running on time, so you’re on edge.  Sarcasm drips from your comments without you meaning to be that way, so then you withdraw to keep from sucking the sun out of someone else’s day.  Sometimes you swing from happy to sad, over to being sensitive to every little comment or action, get withdrawn and cranky, and you then go straight to being miserable and on edge.  Tick tock.  Tick tock.  You feel like you’re losing all control over your emotions and it just keeps getting louder.  Tick tock.  Tick tock…


This too shall pass.  Yep.  It’s still an emotional roller coaster regardless of the encouraging quote.  You could throw glitter at this mess and it’ll just be a shiny mess now, so you cry when you watch a car commercial with parents saying goodbye as their kid heads off to college.


Even though this sucks, deep down you know it’ll get better.  You just have to hold on until that train comes to town.  You just have to wait for the adoption to progress to the next stage.  Try and find a way to drown out the sound of the clock; cover everything in glitter and crank up cheerful Christmas music if that’s what it takes to make you feel more in control of your emotions.  I’m taking inventory of the deep freeze and food expiration dates, while listening to Celtic Thunder, to help get me through today.  I’ll transfer all the info to a spreadsheet tomorrow, so I’ll feel a little more in control yet again.  Take it day by day and lean on that support system you wrote about in like the fourth section of the adoption paperwork.  Find your glitter and empower yourself to get through this.  You’ve come this far, so don’t you dare give up; and I will be saying that exact thing to myself over and over.  A child depends on your ability to find a way through this.  Like the old saying goes – you can eat a whole bear all by yourself.  You just have to take one bite at a time.


For You to See Someday





Dear Kiddo,

            Well, I’ve had the “It’s a Girl” banner up for three and a half months now.  In two days it will be a solid year since we started this journey to find and meet you.  In a way it all feels so unreal now.  The paperwork was turned in some time ago, then fixed and turned in again; we made your room move-in-ready and I have a bag full of paint cards for you to go through to decide what color would make it truly your room; and I have way too many party ideas to go through with you for any party you want to have.   Well, one has to be a glow in the dark party because, um, it’s glow in the dark and I really want to be at that kind of party for the first time in my own life.  *laugh*

            I opened the door to your room and find that it’s getting harder to imagine having my own daughter in there.  Clothes and knickknacks strewn about, papers on your desk, and you laying on the bed fast asleep with your tablet still in your hand.  Abby will probably be curled up with you, since she dashes into your room the moment the door is cracked open and jumps up on the bed to see what’s going on. 

What kind of music will I hear playing on your echo?  Will you tell me who your latest crush is or which school subject you think is so lame?  Will there be enough time for us to help you believe in love; enough time to help you truly believe that you have been wanted for a long time and although you’ll be our chosen child, you will never be replaceable? 

We were so ready and excited to have you come into our lives.  Right now it feels like we put our wishes and dreams into a bottle and it’s just floating around in the ocean, bobbing along with the current.   It’s getting hard to believe that our bottle will ever make it.  Sometimes my faith in the process is difficult to cling to and I lose my way.  Then I see an ad for prom dresses or some commercial of a daughter hugging her mom right before she walks down the aisle, and I have this little flare of hope that we will someday have these moments together.  I’m trying hard to keep that hope alive despite the delays.

We wanted to make sure to find, meet, and start visitations before school ends this semester, so that you can have the summer with us to adjust to your new life and hopefully work through the trauma of change, leading to some attachment before the new school year starts.  School is stressful enough; I don’t want to make this harder for you, even though there’s a part of me that is completely selfish and doesn’t want to think about anything beyond moving you in as soon as we possibly can regardless of when it is.  I’m not sure if there will be enough time to have the ideal plan play out.  Although I hope we know that it’s you as soon as we see your profile, I know that it’s not likely.  The likelihood that you’re the first child we proceed to the BIS for is nearly nonexistent.  I’d fill out every scrap of the mountain of paperwork again if it’d help us get past the delay and resume our journey.

I pray for you every night.  I hope you’re happy and safe; I hope that some tiny part of your heart can believe that we are waiting for the chance to find you.  We just need that chance – we promise to not stop until you are home.  We will spend the rest of our lives loving you, no matter how hard it is for you to believe.  No matter how hard this journey is.  And I’m putting this out in the world so that you will someday have proof that you are worth every moment, every fear, and every tear.  You’re worth dreaming about and waiting for. 

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