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If You Are Depressed

On what is considered the happiest holiday of the year, a lot of people struggle with depression and even suicidal ideation. Instead of the happy holidays posts you’re probably more used to seeing, I am attaching a link to a sermon about depression.

If you know me well, you know that I have Faith, but I don’t associate myself with a specific religion, and am really open-minded. The perfect words and message can come from any religion right when you need it, in my opinion. I got really lucky and one of my incredible friends shared this sermon with me, which I asked if I could share here, just in case anyone out there needs to hear this message right now, too.

Again, I am not affiliated with this religion and honestly don’t listen to sermons often, but the message about depression is so incredible that I hope it also helps someone out there in internet-land too. Apparently I seriously suck at embedding the video itself, so please click here to get directed to the sermon page with the video. *smile* And please do not hesitate to privately contact me if you need a depression/ideation “buddy”. Having them myself has literally saved my life.

Just in case you need it, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255 (US) and at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org. Before you act on your thoughts, please reach out. And please do not let this make you feel guilty or like you are a bad person for these feelings/thoughts. It tore me apart for a spell until my friend provided the link to the sermon. You are still a good person, no matter what your mind says right now.

— Georgia

Extra note:

Also, thank you to the incredible friends and family that have been so supportive through this rocky time. I forget to log in to different medias and am so bad at timely responses, but your support means the world to me and I am sincerely thankfully for you. Y’all make me as warm and fuzzy feeling as my plush onesies that I practically live in right now. *grin*

For Other “Should-Be Mothers”

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I spent a long time tonight sitting outside, staring at the stars,  A long time praying with the trees whispering, the wind whipping strands of hair into my tears.  The candle had blown out long before the tears came.

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I prayed, I gave it my all, and I fell in love.  I fell in love with a girl’s quirks, dreams, potential, and learned ways to meet her needs.  I didn’t go into this knowing that my heart could get hurt so deeply before even meeting the child in person.  Every mishap, every delay, and every probing question answered wasn’t enough for us to get chosen.  We requested to proceed to the next step and her foster parents decided to adopt her.  I’m thankful that she is blessed with her home and family.  So thankful that another child has the chance to be loved.  I grieve because I lost the chance at the future I had dreamed of with her in it.  

 

I don’t think I can use this as an opportunity to improve how I handle disappointment or to better myself in some way.  I’m not disappointed.  I’m grieving.  In yet another attempt at becoming a mother I lost the chance.  Just like the miscarriages and failures.  I lost part of my hope and heart.  At times I wish I could protect my heart, but then I don’t think I would be the right person to have started this journey.  There are other inquiries out, one inquiry turned over to another child’s case worker now for consideration, but I’m going to be sad.  I’m mourning the loss of the dreams of special moments that might have been shared, the chance to hold my daughter in my hands.  Most likely the next one will be the same and probably somewhere along the path we’ll get a little further and get rejected in preference of other parent(s), too.  And just like when the stick had only one pink line or the ultrasound was empty, I’ll grieve for that lost hope, the lost dream. As one woman said in a forum thread many years back, “I really hate that phrase [about birth mother’s knowing the right parent] along with ‘the right baby finds the right family at the right time…’ That falls in line (for me) with ‘Everything happens for a reason’ ‘It was meant to be’ etc… The reason I hate those phrases? Because for those families for whom it doesn’t work out, you feel even more like some type of cosmic failure. Even the “universe” felt you were unfit to be parents…”

 

The other stages have been so incredibly hard all ready, but somehow it felt like although we missed out on the previous chances, we would get picked quickly.  I have no explanation for why it seemed like this part would be the easier part.  I didn’t expect so much emotion during this phase either.  And I didn’t expect to find empathy from a group of women, all strangers even among themselves,  who understood the frustration and grief, along with this sense of failure.  All rational women.  All women trying to figure out how to hold our shattered hearts together enough to try again.  All women who delete multiple versions of what they share (I’m on five right now).   I didn’t know that I could feel like I’m failing at this and would never have imagined that I’d learn from strangers that I’m allowed to, and need to, mourn those possibilities.  We all fell in love with someone we didn’t know and had our hearts broken a bit.  And we’re all scared of being vulnerable yet again.

 

We don’t pour our hearts out for pity; we do it to keep one another strong enough to try again and so that the right message can be found when this happens to another should-be mother.  You will try again.  You will set a date to reevaluate if you have enough hope and strength left to continue.  You will be misunderstood by those that can’t empathize with your loss.  Very few will understand your grief, but don’t let that stop you from grieving.  Just like each chapter in the pre-home study, there’s another page after this.  Scream at the stars, cry in the dark, get down on your knees and pray for probably the eightieth time just this week if that’s what you need.  But allow yourself to grieve.  The tears will dry on the paper and when you’re ready, turn the page. 

Bless Yore Beautiful Hide, Wherever You May Be

First off, I want to say that I’m really sorry for the silence for the past few months. I’ve gotten caught up on all of the blogs that I follow, but not my own. I think that shows I just needed a little time away, I think. I also think it’s about time to give you the details, clear the cobwebs, and get back into the groove. 🙂

I’m sick. I try not to talk much about it except to those I’m close to, since it’s not exactly a cheerful topic and I pray every day to have a good impact, but I want to always be honest on this blog. I have a disabling case of Fibromyalgia with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Costochondritis, Chronic Insomnia, a compromised immune system, and a laundry list of other little things that get in the way sometimes. I went into this year with high hopes that I’d start getting better. Maybe not a full remission, but at least a bit better, since I didn’t think it could get much worse. Yeah, I deserve a total “Gibbs smack” to the back of the head for that thought. *grin* Between injuries, new symptoms, doctors altering my meds all of the stinking time, and some withdrawals from meds that just didn’t work well with my complicated system, I had a hard time. Sometimes I struggle with depression. It’s hard to always be happy when it can be a huge challenge just to get out of bed. I mean at ALL, not just the ole usual I don’t want to get out of bed this morning thing, either. Sometimes it’s as hard to get out of bed as a workout at the gym. It’s hard to believe, but that’s one of the truths that every Fibro sufferer will usually hide from you. We try to smile so you don’t see how broken we’ve become, we say “about the same” or “not too bad” if you ask how we are because we know most don’t want to hear the depressing truth that we seldom have good days when we’re in a relapse, and we try not to let you see us wince from the pain when you playfully nudge us or slap our shoulder during a joke. We want to be normal; we want to be loved and liked still. Most friends and acquaintances drift away because they think we’re just always going to blow them off or we don’t bother to participate in the friendship. Most of the time we desperately wish we could handle being hugged or that someone would go ahead and give us a hug anyway, because the pain is ALWAYS worth it. With all of that turmoil it’s easy to lose sight of who you are and what your dreams are. When every day requires adjustments just to do the basics, we don’t know that we can have dreams anymore, sometimes. Our dream can become having more than one good day a month and our world gets so wrapped up in the hardships that we can’t always see the shore when our ship starts to sink. Anyone with a chronic illness has these moments and sometimes those moments last a very long time.

Added to the muck I felt like I really let myself down with my business. When we got our taxes done Georgia’s Bath Products was officially downsized to a hobby instead of a business. I was too sick to be able to do the events and push sales, so I never met the standard needed in the allotted time. I’d all ready lost a full time job and ended my first business in the couple of years before this, so getting downgraded hit me a little harder than it normally would have. I lost my inspiration, my interest, and my way.

Thankfully something wonderful has happened in the past two months to help me start shaking this all off and work toward finding the new me. My newly single mom moved from an hour away to about eight houses away. When my days are so bad that I’m too sick to take care of my dog or get up off of the couch, she’s here for me. She cooks for the big guy and I when it gets hard and not only helps clean my house, but she even helped (well, really she taught me how) to make/install a shelf so I could organize some stuff. It may seem weird that I make attaching brackets to a board and screwing them into the wall sound like a huge thing, but when you can’t manage your own household anymore those little things make the sun feel a hundred times more glorious upon your face, and you can’t help but grin for days. Plus, she needs me. She accepts my limitations better than I do usually, but still wants me around, and visits me at home because she understands that it’s kind of an ordeal just to leave the house sometimes. No matter how dark the alleys in my mind got, how lost I became, she held my hand and said she needed me because I’m still the bright spot in her life. Hearing that when I did was a true blessing that has been helping me face each day.

So, now that I feel more naked than if I’d streaked at the World Cup, we can all look forward to the fun stuff.

During my time off I was on Pinterest quite a bit. (Hi, my name is Georgia, and I’m addicted to Pinterest…) Feel free to explore my quite diverse collection of boards by looking for the pinner Georgia’s Bath Products. You get a really good feel there for how eccentric I truly am. *grin* I’ve done some Pinterest pin reviews on the blog previously, but dude…for a while I really did have a problem. lol I also read a bunch of books that were completely and thoroughly fun. Raunchy historical romps, steampunk sci fi, paranormal romances, and Whodunits filled my hours, and it was glorious. *pushes glasses up my nose with a grin* I also spent a lot of time in the virtual world of Second Life. I learned some of the basics of building, mentored some newbies, and became a crazy cat lady in that life too. *laugh* I also got totally into learning and watching about cosplay (a bucket list item I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to check off, but it’s high on my list now *grin*) and came up with some awesome strategies (yep, I dare to say something so cocky) for my mom’s move. I got to utilize my love of lists and spreadsheets for the irritating process of moving. I rock sometimes. *cracking up*

Expect to start seeing my posts showing up in your inbox or feed a lot more frequently now. There will be some posts featuring interviews with one of my friends full of recipes, handy little tips, and some of the neatest decorating ideas. You’ll see my first attempt at spray painting something (shows what a goody two shoes I was as a youth, I guess lol) when I soon try to turn my ugly cane into a work of pink glitter art. I’m going to be working at trying to make a part of my mom’s office into a crafting section, so expect some fun info about that (most likely inspired by Pinterest, I’ll be honest *grin*). Who knows what other oddness I might get myself into, too. I all ready binge watched the second season of Hemlock Grove, so now I can focus on new activities. There probably won’t be a lot about the bath and body products until it’s closer to Fall, so if you don’t stick around, I understand. I hope you do, though, and maybe we can find some fun stuff to share with each other. Maybe if you’re also struggling with something in private this will help you to not feel so alone, too. I’m closing with a quote from the author that wasn’t afraid to confide about those dark thoughts, Mr. Edgar Allan Poe.

“I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.”

 

(To give credit where it’s due, the post’s title is actually a song [and a bit of lyric] from the 1954 musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  That song has been stuck in my head for a week now, and I thought it’d make a good title for the first post of my return.)

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