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Daily Archives: May 5, 2012

Late night ponderings

As I laid in bed trying to sleep I had a pretty awesome revelation. I’m too serious for my own good. Lol. I’ve always been more inclined to be intense and thoughtful (as if that’s surprising considering how many rounds of pondering I’ve posted here lol), but I seriously need to relax and enjoy the moment.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to try to have products on hand, to keep learning everything that can help others, and do whatever is on my lists. I seem to have forgotten, along the way, that this isn’t what I live on. My business is something to keep me from going bonkers and feeling trapped by my disability, not to make my living. Buh me! I lost sight of the fact that I love learning and making my fun projects, planning, yes – my lists and spreadsheets *grin*, and the delight of the amazing scents that come like Christmas gifts.

A very wise friend that knows me all too well and has for most of my life wrote a text some time back that has always stuck in my mind. I tend to get hurt when others don’t feel the same about something I am passionate about. That was a hard reality to admit to and I realize why it is so true. I am so serious about whatever passion I get wrapped up in that it becomes part of my identity. When someone else doesn’t feel the same it’s more like saying that I gained a few pounds or laughed at my cane. *shaking head* I seriously wish I’d had this realization some time ago. Lol. If I just enjoy the fact that I have the ability to do something that I love and concentrate on my illness, then it doesn’t matter what happens or what others think.

Plus, I don’t need to push so much to handle this as a real business. The same wise friend wrote just the other day that people don’t expect me to be like Bath & Body. They don’t expect things to be the same and don’t expect to get the product when they order it. In the few days since that has bounced around in my mind and took a huge weight off of my shoulders. I fought so hard to prove myself as a medical billing consultant, proving that I may be young but that I really know my stuff, and proving to doctors that I could make their business earn more money. Unconsciously I transferred a lot of that need to prove myself to this business and stacking myself up against Bath & Body. My stuff is different and doesn’t need to be compared to others.

My items are all made for people to enjoy. Every ingredient thought over for quite some time, done carefully and passionately with a hope to help others in some way, and handmade. That sure beats a machine that fills a bottle and a sales person that is impartial about the items on their shelves. Each item is like a poem – crafted with a love for each word, finding beauty in the flow, and images that the words creates. It is my passion and I can seriously love each thing that I do, but I don’t need to take the business aspect so seriously.

It’s such a relief to have shifted my point of view. *big smile* It’s an odd stream of thoughts, but really a concept that I’ve needed to apply to life for quite some time. I need to take care of my family, go to the doctors, take my medicines…I don’t need to schedule tasks to be done at a certain time or certain day, and definitely don’t need to feel like I’m letting people down when I can’t do things. I’m very open about being sick and think that those that are upset by my limitations are out of my life now anyways, so that only the awesome people that understand me are still surrounding me. It’s hard to let down those that care about you, not your business or hobby.

*big cheesy grin* So, the list changes a bit. It’s filled with things I am excited to make, things to learn about and keep me happy, while hopefully helping others, which makes me even happier, and so a circle of happiness should take the place of the horrid disappointment that I’ve had with myself. What an awesome way to start a new day.

For now I’m going to settle in with a fun paranormal romp and heating pad until I can sleep. I think it’ll be some sound sleep when I get there 🙂 I wish the same peace and happiness for you.

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