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Category Archives: Adoption

My Christmas Wish

My most earnest Christmas wish for this year was for us to get matched to Kiddo and have our first “forever family” Christmas. Today we were blessed with the notification that we were picked in the BIS meeting and by the Regent, and we start lining our ducks in a row this Thursday!!

I’m still in shock, I think. I start something and go sit down. After a while I remember I was doing something, go move an item or complete the task, and sit down again to just stare into space. *laugh* I spend time thinking about Christmas, since our Social Worker believes we’ll definitely have Kiddo moved in by then and able to celebrate with us (if not, daring to hope, sooner). Sometimes I wonder how those first minutes are going to be. Will they be awkward, tearfully happy, a bit of both…? And I need to get her suitcase for that first meeting, still, because my daughter isn’t putting her belongings in a trash bag to move. The knowledge that it occurs still tears me up.

In a couple days we get to go over the transition plan, which includes meeting Kiddo in person, visiting on her turf, and bringing her here for some overnighters. It varies with every situation, so who knows if it’ll take her a while to feel comfortable enough to stay overnight or if we’re all running headlong into family life.

So, although I’ve been working on product a lot (and having some EPIC fails!), those plans are getting set aside. I have some fun ones to add to my site now, but lots of my new ideas are going to wait for mother/daughter project times now. I have fun creating product, even when I fail horribly, but we’ve waited so many years for this blessing that my business is going back to being a craft now. I’ll share some of the fails with you soon, just for a good laugh and to mourn with me how pretty they looked at first. *laugh* Once I know Kiddo’s preferences I need to make some gifts for her. I also am about to hit the manic housewife mode that I need to get my house into some serious order. *grin* Do you remember when I mentioned how I have a hard time dealing with emotions? You add excitement and nerves together, and suddenly our home is good enough for us but not for bringing in Kiddo. Anyone want to paint some boards with me, take things down the ladder into the basement, or steam clean my living room? *laugh*

Beyond the insanity, it’s been a beautiful day of sharing our news. I appreciate every person who has been encouraging, uplifting, and travelled this journey with us. And for those of you who are involved and so excited, thank you for being part of this. We couldn’t have kept going if it wasn’t for all of you. Who would have thought I’d actually get my Christmas wish early? Now that I’m getting all girly and emotional I’m going to go move things around, and then sit back down again for awhile. I think Jacksepticeye is perfect for tonight’s dazed mind.

Until next time, I wish you joy and blessings. 🙂

Happy Birthday Virgos

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Happy Birthday to all those Virgos out there!  

 

I’m sorry for the radio silence since the internet went out.  All sorts of stuff went on, between my laptop starting to go out, internet going back out; all those great moments in life that make you say meh and hide away until the next day.  Next thing you know it’s been quite a while since you’ve blogged.  *grin* I have managed to make several pieces of product that I’m actually sending over to a favorite show in Ireland, plus Christmas items, and had a LOT of failures while making product recipes.  *laugh*

 

While I’m at it, this is the least enthusiastic I’ve ever felt about my birthday, honestly.  My mind is pulled too many directions, plus it was recently the twentieth anniversary of miscarrying Sierra, which has a lot more emotional impact than just another middling birthday.  It’s a step closer to the fortieth, which is a little less enthusiastic than even this one.  *laugh* It’ll make figuring up my age easier for the doctor’s office, at least.  If you ever wonder about why I’m so critical with myself or analyse everything, just read the definition of a Virgo.  I’m the epitome of the nerdy one.  *grin*

 

One super huge event that has taken up most of my thoughts while off is that the BIS meeting happened for our hopeful daughter.  We’ll know in a month or so how the results came out, so it’s a dual-edged sword; there’s finally a time frame for expectations, but now there’s a chance that in four or so weeks I may learn that we weren’t selected for this daughter that I felt for as soon as I read her profile.  It’s been just the two of us rattling around in this home for so long that it’s hard to imagine another person, especially when it’s not one that has grown up into our family, but is a mini-adult with us all jumping into massive changes.  I can imagine her at Christmas, making product with me, and going through schoolwork together.  I’m trying to not be excited, since our SW made it sound like it went very favorably, but we’ve been burned so much by our experiences.  Parts of me can’t help but think if we have at least visitation by Christmas I’m turning our home into a mini-Branson.  *laugh* Make a freaking Winter Wonderland for the first Christmas with our daughter, plus it’ll be such a memorable time with the family anyway.  Needless to say, I’ve had a lot of self-editing of my emotions and thoughts, but the hamsters are still pretty lost in the ideas and hope, honestly.

 

Anyway, I’m back with my new laptop, improved internet connection, and five injuries I’m recovering from.  *laugh* Bengay is considered pampering too, right?  😉

An Update to Kiddo’s Room

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Since we decided to Home School via Connections Academy I felt it was important to have a designated spot for school time and would have all of her supplies at the ready, so L modified my huge wood desk to fit in her room and I just had to share how awesome it turned out (yes, I need to re-stain it, but cosmetics can wait until the big stuff is done *laugh*).

 

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The cloth boxes filled with things are actually specific curriculum subject supplies, so those will actually go up on a shelf once that is built.  Right now I have the binders and extras all stacked underneath the desk, awaiting the shelf, too.  She can lay in bed and watch TV, there will be a frame with four family pictures (three of us all individually and then placement or adoption day in the last window) that will go with the “family” sign, and the desk doesn’t interfere with her window while giving a lot of work room.  And it is SOLID.  *laugh* We got a great deal on it when I started my first business and since it’s such a high quality piece we just had to modify it to work for her room.  (And yes, I’m about 1/3 of the way done Christmas shopping.  *grin* I’m that annoying friend who doesn’t understand wading through the crowds on Christmas Eve.  *laugh*  Plus, I have some that have to be shipped out of state, so I start working on them early, too.)

 

I know it’s super nerdy, but organizing the subject supplies and books together today made it all feel so real and happy to me.  Whichever is Kiddo will have to do art as part of their coping techniques, but it can be such a fun outlet that I couldn’t resist putting together a variety of mediums beyond what the school sends. 

 

Although my dad is now out of the picture I even got to put his graphing and blueprint drawing tools in her math box.  I like that I can add a few things of his for her that bring back good memories for me.  For her science box (which I had to stick a few pieces of other things into since I wanted to keep the center of the desk clean until the shelving is built) I even have a DNA testing kit to learn about her long ago heritage, how blood types work, and even a lesson on haplogroups.  Genealogy is something that she can share with Grandma, since I’m only interested in the science and the heritage, instead of the ancestry. 

 

It’s really kind of awesome that I’m able to supplement the core classes she will take and have them connect to her new family, as well.  There’s a little concern about the DNA test, but since I’m the one handling all of it, I will keep the more current information put away for her to have when she’s older, if she wants genetic information about her closer biological ancestry.  We definitely don’t want to add to her trauma, but with so much loss of identity I think knowing if she has Irish, Russian, German, or whatever roots might give her a little something to help her not feel so set apart from the general population.  Adoption and foster guru Sherrie Eldridge recently blogged about how left out this group of children are, especially when it’s that first day of school and they go through the trauma of a new place with new people all over again.  It left me thinking about what would her first day story be that she would give others, if she starts standard school the next year?  I’m hoping that I can give her something to relate to, like which heritage she has, so she isn’t just “the Cornelisons’ adopted kid” or leaving her to make up a life she thinks other kids will think is cool.  Even if she hasn’t attached to us by then, at least she will have something real to identify herself with and keep her system story private if she wants to, without making up a whole story that will inevitably go wrong at some point. 

 

Anyway, I beam every time I look at her desk and especially her bins.  The anatomy book L picked up at a garage sale in the middle of the dead zone of our process; the calculator that I used for working at home and then starting my own business is now hers, and even brand new pencils instead of the old household ones.  She may never realize it, but there’s meaning and memories behind almost every item, and I just can’t wait to take her shopping to see how she accessorizes and makes all of this hers.  I can clearly picture the tween we’re waiting on the BIS for sitting in that chair doing homework.  The other two not so easily, but it makes me catch my breath sometimes.  I imagine this must be what it’s like when a mother sees the crib all finished and ready for the first time.  Schooling is where we will start our deepest bonding instead and I’m actually okay with that now.  I’m not sure what tomorrow brings, but this past week just standing in her doorway and looking at everything is my happy moment every single time.  🙂

Oh Baby, It’s Hard Sometimes

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I had a trigger sneak up on me the other day and if you’ve followed for a while, you know I hate being vulnerable, especially in public. It was one of those sweet scenes in a movie where two mothers are cuddling their babies and it’s one of those love everlasting, Hallmark moments. And I fell apart.

I worked hard to develop coping techniques and understand my desires better when I had therapy for not having a biological child, when having my own baby was the top goal of my life that went hand-in-hand with marriage. I had hoped to adopt and have a biological child, so that I could also have that special mother-infant bond and those beautiful moments together that every baby commercial features. And I realized with all the hard work that underneath it all I wanted to be a mom; that the pregnancy and infant stage wasn’t nearly as important to me as being Mom, especially to someone who needs a forever family and we yearn to fill our forever family’s missing piece.

But cuddling the baby got me. There won’t be those special rocking to sleep, cuddling and cooing, baby bonding moments. Don’t get me wrong – I realized a while back I don’t want to do the midnight feedings, baby proofing the house (adoption requirements were enough for us thank you very much), or dealing with diaper blow outs. I also can’t raise a child who is unable to handle their immediate physical needs, so a baby wasn’t really the desire when we began the adoption process. The cuddling and bond, which can be tough stages to reach with an adoptee, is apparently a big weepy piece of the deepest parts of me. And I don’t know how to turn that desire for that off. I will be over the moon if we are able to adopt “Miss H”, guaranteed. I don’t want another movie moments to make me break down though, especially once I have the blessing of her in my life.

I’m working on my analyzation worksheets and techniques, but nothing explains this spot of vulnerability and longing; not at this point. I’m not strong on biologic bonds, since most of my strongest have been with people that I have no DNA links to, so I know it’s not that I wish Miss H was biologically mine. If we get her, she’s mine no matter what, forever, and I don’t give a damn about having different DNA.

So I’m left wondering if this is a normal emotion with working so hard to become a parent and hoping to get some affectionate bonding with Kiddo? Or did I never fully work through losing Sierra and wish for that physical contact with my own infant? Or is the term paperwork pregnant not just related to the long time frame and waiting for your child? Is it why I have an oily T-spot again, after it leaving with my teens; or why I suddenly have tiny acne flares, etc? Can my body get mixed up with all these emotions and start to long for a part that isn’t even involved in what we’re doing?

So far I just don’t know. I just want to figure it out and stop this. I want to quit crying at Hallmark commercials. I mean, seriously. That sucks. Especially for a gal that toughened herself up after seeing the rape and abuse for what it was. I didn’t want to cry much anymore. I had hoped I’d left the worst tears back with the bruises. But my heart feels like when the Grinch’s (c) got super big. With the growth from each young lady’s story, my heart hurts from not being able to adopt more, and I just want to give this ton of love. I don’t want to cry or be jealous of those beautiful moments that moms get to enjoy with infants. And how can I ever seem like a boxing badass if I cry at baby related commercials and scenes? *laugh*

Conference Call

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Well, this week was an incredibly hard week for me to get through.  We got notified that the Conference Call for our favorite adoptee would happen on Thursday and got the extended profile on her, as well.  I was honestly terrified.  After all of this waiting, they could straight up say they don’t think we’re a good match and end it all within a few breaths; or that something would come up about her that would mean we don’t have the strengths to meet her needs.  It could have all been over so suddenly.    

 

Thankfully it turned out to go incredibly, in our opinion, despite some trouble hearing at times with several people all on the line.  Our new SW had given me nudges in the right direction to research, which actually made us even more likable for a choice for this young lady.  Her team talked a lot about her history, what traumas and risks she has, her needs, and their own interactions with her.  All of my questions were answered with extremely positive and reassuring responses, and at the end I was able to look at L and know that we 100% wanted to proceed to BIS.  We were all ready geared up to advocate for her, because she’s had so few that did that for her, that there wasn’t a doubt that she is still number 1 to us.  

 

It takes several weeks to a couple months in order to get the BIS conference call, where all of the teams and legal sit in on a call and go through the candidates, and then they decide which family can best meet the young lady’s needs.  If that goes well, then the head CW for her will sit down with her and our scrapbook, go over the book and our profile with her, and even give impressions from the conference call.  And then she gets to decide if we appeal enough to her to agree to meet.  So in a couple of months we may have one of the most terrifying meetings of our lives.  Finding out which future an 11 year old (by then 12) holds for us.  If the meeting goes well, we get to start visitations and work toward overnight visitations, to make sure we all fit together despite the awkwardness of the newness of the arrangement.  And then they all get to decide if we get to become her legal custodians, which then means moving her, getting her enrolled in the home school, getting her a wardrobe and all those little things, and all that organizing stuff.  Holy smokes…!

 

Although it’s probably too fast to come true, there’s a slight chance we’ll get to have visitation with her for Christmas, if she decides she likes us, and that would be all of my dreams, Christmas wishes, and prayers all wrapped into one.  And in a way it’s terrifying beyond belief.  All of those “will I be a good enough mom to actually help her reach her potential”, “will she ever truly know that she’s loved”, and such scrolls around the ground of my mind like a snake, winding between the hamster cages and making them go even crazier with thoughts.  *grin*  So many people have our future in their hands, and although it seemed super positive, even if she chose to give us a try, she has six months to decide if we are really the family for her.  Having a new person in our home that we will have done so much for, who still holds such a valuable part of us in her hands, is such a scary thought.  

 

Despite the fears, the call was the best we could have ever hoped for, without a single concern about us when I asked, so we were truly blessed there.  We’re blessed that we have an awesome Social Worker that’s actually advocating for us and grooming us to be the best match that we can be for the tween we want to adopt.  And through it all we’re blessed to be going down a new path together that brings us closer together and even helps us learn a lot more about each other that we would never have thought to discuss without adoptive parenthood at stake.  Although at times it’s like we’re on two separate planets when it comes to this process, we’re learning how to work together to achieve goals, despite our different styles and desired time lines, which is something we have always struggled with.  The situation has forced our weaknesses to be addressed and to work through them.  Although I was burned out for a couple days following the call and additional paperwork that was done immediately following to prepare for the BIS, I’m back to a more mild version of my craziness *laugh* and now just have several months to try and distract myself.  Anybody want to come help makes some products or install things so that I can nest while I wait?  *grin*

 

After all this time we have made it to a BIS.  I honestly started to doubt it would ever happen.  And if things go in our favor, I don’t think I could be more excited to have her complete our forever family.  She’s a unique person with a variety of interests.  Those are such beautiful personality traits.  So, if you feel inclined, a prayer that this works out would be appreciated, and if you really feel all squishy-hearted, a prayer that I get to have my first Christmas as a mom happen this year would be a massive blessing.   I’m so ready to Santa up a big stocking for her.  😀 

A Few Decisions

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We actually are going to talk directly to a Case Worker about one of the girls!  *happy dance*  I’ve exchanged emails with several and actually am going to miss one that taught me a whole lot on how to do the out-of-state (OOS from here on out) social work on my own, but we gave up on one of the girls that she oversees.  This time, though, we get to talk to one over the phone!  An actual mini-conference call!!  We’re still waiting to hear from the Case Worker on the Kansas girl that our Social Worker keeps trying to get hold of, because we are ready to go with the conference call and move on to the BIS to see if we can get matched with her.  However, we’ve been burned a lot in this process and kept going with the ones OOS.  We actually are seeing some progress.  I really needed to know that someone is actually interested in us.  It’s an amazing boost during a very difficult time.  Anyway, this teen is in MO, which would really help with some of the costs.  To top it off another Case Worker for a tween in OH that I really, really like too is interested.  

 

I finally learned from that amazing Case Worker that taught me so much to actual write follow up emails when we don’t get responses after submitting inquiries on the adoption website.  At first I was so robotic and intimidated, honestly.  It finally clicked that I’m turning in our parenting resume (apparently the system believes we should do away with the accent; sorry!), so now I write inquiry emails that address all of the seldom-mentioned needs and desires we can fulfill that are in the profile, or what things we do that would mesh well with the teen’s personality.  I also attach our Home Study, but if I manage to get their attention with the inquiry email letters, they always want another copy.  I think it’s to keep a paper trail that they requested and it wasn’t a voluntary submission, but I’m just faking this whole social worker stuff, so got me.  *grin*  These follow ups have gotten us attention for a couple of girls, so we may actually have a decent chance of adopting now that I’ve learned so much about this.  So…go me!  *laugh*

 

It’s no secret I’ve been nesting for well over a year now and I really want her room finished, which would mean that I could also get the gym/storage room done finally, too.  (My big wood desk we got when I started my first business will have some surgery and is going from what was my office to her room, and my office will finish the transformation.)  We will have an area for Kiddo to be active and exercise in the evening if she’s still feeling energetic or if she needs to burn off some emotions.  It’ll also be nice to not have Eddie in the living room and when you turn, before memory kicks in, for a scary moment there’s a really buff dude hanging out in the dark by the window.  *laugh*  So he will go into the gym and stop startling people.  Just yesterday we finally figured out how we want to change the desk after I drew up a variety of hastily made blueprints with different options.  So one more decision down.

 

We also both agreed that we still want to do what we always planned on if I’d gotten pregnant – I’m going to home school.  I talked to our Social Worker about it and she provided information later on about the Kansas branch of Connections Academy, which is an online public school that is approved and can work with the mild IEPs our Kiddo may have.  The more I read about the curriculum, watch unsolicited user reviews on YouTube, and the built in socialization they brilliantly worked into the program.  Attending online classes and working on assignments together (deja vu to my Victim’s Advocacy Certification course *grin*), plus parents can look in the private directory and reach out to those nearby to see about doing extra field trips together or respite or just a teen play date (what do you call those even?!).  On top of it, annually they have a set get together for any Academy user families to attend if they’d like, to make connections, assist with more socialization, and even learn from some instructors on ways to handle situations that may arise in schooling (etc.), while the kids and teens get to do some really fun activities led by teachers, like scavenger hunts.  We didn’t think that this would be an option since so much is out of our control, but because we have a built in socialization group in our support system with lots of plans for ways to increase her exposure to kids going to the local schools if she wants to get back into standard public schooling at the start of the next school year, plus the socialization built into this school, we get to actually parent one aspect the way we always dreamed of.  There are so many subject tie in projects, field trips, and shows that I’ve written out, that I’m actually super excited.  *laugh* 

 

Pure nerd, I know.  Plus, I originally was either going to be a journalist or a Creative Writing Teacher originally, before my life veered the other direction, and that part of me is so into the thought of planning things out to make sure that Kiddo is at least caught up to her grade if not beyond them, by the time that school year ends.  *crossing fingers*  Doing this allows me time for extra bonding with Kiddo and to set time aside for us to work through trauma, healthy boundaries, and such, and will help her establish a safe feeling of home and family before facing lots of new people again, which could trigger some of their issues (and I hope that we can decrease that chance at least somewhat).  This program has a great success rate with being prepared for college, the workforce, or a military career, with an impressive amount being approved for college that tried.  Shoot, we can watch an episode of Warehouse 13 and then research the real mythology or past of the “artifact” from the show!  There are SO many learning opportunities and with my mom’s extensive knowledge about St. Joseph, MO’s historical locations, we can even do a history field trip in one day that could bring history alive for Kiddo.  That’s exactly what worked for me, when we visited out here while living in CA still.  Going into the Pony Express Museum and seeing/reading everything about the gunslingers made it all connect that history is full of real people and lives, not just facts.  That light bulb moment.  Whatever subject it is in, and however much time and effort it takes, I don’t care, but I really hope to be the one that is there for that transformation.  I’m smiling like the proud parent of a newborn just thinking about it.  *shaking head at self*  

 

There has been so much pain and waiting that getting back to a point to start making the rest of the decisions is a beautiful thing.  And the fact that we can home school as we always dreamed?  Language is insufficient for the happiness and excitement it brings me.  Although our path wound more than any theme park trail, we get to keep some of the core choices of parenting.  I would be an incredibly happy and blessed mom to be able to adopt any of these three girls that are currently an actual possibility.   We have other inquiries out, but each of these has something special that others don’t, at least for me.  I knew that a person could fall in love with more than one person in their lifetime.  I never knew how much the heart could expand to love so many at least a little bit.  Or that I could fall in love with these young lives just by reading their life and personality story.  Excuse me while I regain my vision after that sudden little rain storm.  It’s also a bit weird to think that I’ll have all ready started to love Kiddo before we know it’s even her.  And that I still hold a special spot in my heart for each girl who has touched our lives just a bit.  I’m really ready to get closer to filling the rest of my heart with Kiddo, though.  

 

And make a few more decisions as soon as possible.  🙂 

Wednesday is Coming Back

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We had a wonderful Fourth of July spent with friends and their kids, between my continued surgery recovery and before L ended up with oral surgery that he healed remarkably fast from (so not fair).  It’s been a lot of Groundhog Day©; same stuff, different day.  Throughout it all has been a lot of work on adopting that is enough to make my head spin yet again.

 

The emotional part is starting to take quite a toll on me at times.  I re-watched Mama Mia© to have it fresh in my mind before my mom and I go see the sequel, and I bawled so hard, for so long, over “Slipping Through My Fingers”©.  Just thinking of the song gets the ole water works going.  The girls that we have inquired and worked toward are all aging while we wait through this system.  We’re losing the precious little time we have with them.  Then I started getting acne and an oily T-zone again.  Seriously.  Hormones from emotions be gone…NOW.

 

With a lot of this I have gotten so worn down mentally and emotionally that I didn’t feel like me anymore.  I’ve always loved and cracked up at the Wednesday Addams© character, and in a lot of ways I relate to her sense of humor and mischievous streak.  I may look innocent, but I like that looking innocent makes people underestimate me.  I really appreciated it when I was able to flip a guy over my shoulder because of it and walk away safe.  And I appreciate that when strangers make me mad, they’re never quite sure where my mind is going or what I may be planning.  It’s the part of my personality that L likes best, I suspect.  *grin*

 

In all reality, I’ve never been a super cheerful, cute decorations, happy unicorns, and as-sweet-as-apple-pie kind of gal.  I’m the one that sits in the corner observing people and interactions, that can only carry on a conversation easily with someone in my “care about” zone, and whose strongest love language is giving gifts, because I care more about making things easier for others or making them smile.  And I’ve always wanted to be as okay with being me as the Wednesday Addams character was, especially when played by Christina Ricci.  Admittedly it’d also be hard to resist playing the game “Is There a God?” with a few people from my past…(Kuddos if you get that movie reference, by the way!!).  Since the movie came out when I was young I tried to learn from her and accept that I’m different, and that it’s not always bad to be different from the mainstream crowd.  It’s hard when people don’t understand me or why things interest me, but I’m still learning that it comes with me being a bit different.

 

The saddest part to me for the past few months is that I lost the pride and strength of associating with that character.  I could only see the crying at Hallmark commercials, not getting to exercise, developing a really bad infection, very sad shadow of me.  I was a name behind hundreds of pages of paperwork, inquiries, and emails. I was the one with my nose stuck in all of the assigned and recommended reading for parenting traumatized children.  I was the one juggling so many thoughts that I stopped watching most of my British shows, reading my cozy mysteries, and nothing could hold my attention.  I was, quite simply, lost.

 

Thankfully I was on SL late one night, talking with a really good friend, and we talked over this, because he’s one of the few that understands how lost I feel.  We had an incredible night of hanging out in his SL pool and just talking for hours.  My eyes are filling now, but he said I’m still a lot more Wednesday than I give myself credit for.  Then he said one of the most awesome statements that is super empowering to me that I’m going to post by my bed about being careful to not “poke” people like me.  In five minutes he did more than anything else has in months.  I felt more like me again and felt… strong (thank you Derek; that’s a gift I will always treasure).  I can be the misunderstood and underestimated me, yet still do all of this.  I can’t let myself get lost in this process, despite how easy it is for all of it to consume every moment and thought.  When I meet our daughter I want them to meet ME, not the shadow that has been lost in the adoption system.  So I’m bringing back the raised eyebrow, the looking over my glasses at someone, and the quirky smile that hints about all of the things in my mind that you really don’t want to know about that amuse me.  For a while it’ll just be a show; until I can work out again (a week left of antibiotic and I think this sinus stuff might finally be over thankfully!), find my confidence, and stop worrying about how the Case Workers are judging me (because honestly, it’s best that they like the real me and not just what’s best on paper!).  They say “fake it until you make it”.  Well, it’ll take a little faking to get the confidence back in place and then hopefully I’ll let the real me show in all it’s impish glory.  *grin*

 

I’m just so thankful to not feel lost in a twirling toilet bowl of emotions, to do lists, and remembering which child to follow up on.   It sounds stupid, but it’s become a bigger part of my life the longer this has taken, and there are a lot of things I have to consider and decide, and I started to believe that this new unknown person was who I needed to become.  I’ll always be thankful that I got pulled back from the edge, because I don’t think that woman is capable of being a good mother.  Just a thankful and tired one.  The real me is capable of smiling with my daughter as we are all homicidal maniacs for Halloween and laughing at the mutters about how weird we are.

 

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