Tag Archives: Adoption
Expanding Our Options
Well, we lost another potential child. It’s now a joke that if we actually pursue further processing with a child, they will be adopted by someone else in the meantime. Most of the time the foster parents or someone from their past steps up when the case worker notifies them of an interested family. 4. It’s awesome that the four young ladies have found forever homes and families, just makes it hard to keep hope alive.
Since there are no others in Kansas at this time that sound like a good fit, and we don’t want to just sit and keep refreshing the site every day to see when a new girl gets added (which isn’t all that often really), I did some research (imagine that lol). I am in the middle now of working on our national profile and once AdoptUS sends it and our KS Social Worker verifies the accuracy of the form part (not the narrative), we can then request profiles for girls in other states. There are actually several in neighboring states that seem somewhat promising so far, but who knows when the verification will be done and who will be available at that point. At least we’re not just twiddling our thumbs and waiting for a miracle, though, and it helps me feel like I’m actually still working toward our dream.
The other states require that out-of-state adopters have a completed homestudy all ready, which we did back in September and are just waiting for the last corrections to be finished, so that we get the official version of our homestudy profile. They also require completion of their own forms, not that different from the tons of pages I did for Kansas, but they also require a narrative to be written. This allows the caseworkers to actually get a brief “getting to know you” view of us, instead of just stats. There are sections for general description of where we live, community activities, what type of child we are looking for, our joint interests (I couldn’t resist doing some of our separate interests too, since we each have a lot of hobbies and interests that aren’t shared by the other), any activities that interfere with routine (such as his scout meetings or work events), and what experience we have with children. If it was free form it’d be easier for me, I think, since where we live and the community feel like the section our interests and hobbies should be with, instead of elsewhere. And it is incredibly hard for me to “sell” our qualities to such a wide audience. I can rock a resume and have actually done that for some extra money in the past, but talking about personal stuff instead of business, and within their guidelines, is so hard for me. Talking with a friend helped me think of writing a resume-type narrative that I could then copy and paste into this narrative, in the appropriate areas.
We also have to do a lot of what would we be able to handle or prefer for tons of conditions I know nothing about. I realized that our homestudy worker had talked about the issues, and got a feel for what we can do, but didn’t name all of the things she was actually asking about. I never even realized that, even with turning in hundreds of corrections. *laugh* And for me to not know medical conditions is so irritating to me, since I like to think I’ve educated myself really well in that area. The thirty five shortcuts to descriptions tells me otherwise. *grin*
I really hope that I’m making the right move in doing this. I feel so helpless and useless right now; four is enough to really knock the wind out of the sales. I have an incredible support system that is helping me keep working, even when I don’t feel overly hopeful, and have all given pep talks to keep me motivated to not give up. It doesn’t make sense, but I feel kind of like I’ve failed, and I’m not used to doing that, and I definitely don’t handle it well. I am so very thankful to have incredible people in my life to help me learn how to handle this.
So I am down to two sections left of the narrative and then back to finishing the “what can we handle” sections, especially now that I know what the definitions are. *grin* I’ve had a hard time deciding what to call Kiddo in the narrative, since I’m not really sure what the case workers would prefer, so it’s varied from “our daughter”, “the child”, “the young lady”, and Kiddo. I have all of the preferences covered, I suppose. *laugh* I get to next complete the section about her Godparents and even write about how we hope to travel out of state for Kiddo to meet her other set of Godparents, as soon as Kiddo is settled and able to handle it (and we can budget it). Leah has been such an incredible part of our support system that I can’t wait for Kiddo to get to meet her, along with her husband and children. Extra bonus is I get to meet my honorary nieces in person, too! So although having another “paperwork pregnancy” kind of bites, there are some great reminders of the dreams and goals we have for parenting and bonding. I don’t know how many times we can travel to meet any of the potential kids out-of-state, so I’m going to set up a family Skype account just in case most of our contact is via that or group texting. Prepare to hear about all of the differences between attempting to adopt locally vs out-of-state. We’re starting a whole different path and learning as we go. If you are so inclined, a little prayer for this would mean so very much to me. And thank you for bumping along this wild ride with me. We were hesitant about talking about the adoption at all, but writing about the journey has been very therapeutic and empowering, so thank you for taking the time to read and for all of the well wishes you’ve sent.
By the way, I actually got some new business items to get the inspiration percolating again, so look for an actual business post soon. I know that some subscribed for the business aspect, so I hope you’ve stayed along until I could get back to it! Happy pampering!
For Other “Should-Be Mothers”
I spent a long time tonight sitting outside, staring at the stars, A long time praying with the trees whispering, the wind whipping strands of hair into my tears. The candle had blown out long before the tears came.
I prayed, I gave it my all, and I fell in love. I fell in love with a girl’s quirks, dreams, potential, and learned ways to meet her needs. I didn’t go into this knowing that my heart could get hurt so deeply before even meeting the child in person. Every mishap, every delay, and every probing question answered wasn’t enough for us to get chosen. We requested to proceed to the next step and her foster parents decided to adopt her. I’m thankful that she is blessed with her home and family. So thankful that another child has the chance to be loved. I grieve because I lost the chance at the future I had dreamed of with her in it.
I don’t think I can use this as an opportunity to improve how I handle disappointment or to better myself in some way. I’m not disappointed. I’m grieving. In yet another attempt at becoming a mother I lost the chance. Just like the miscarriages and failures. I lost part of my hope and heart. At times I wish I could protect my heart, but then I don’t think I would be the right person to have started this journey. There are other inquiries out, one inquiry turned over to another child’s case worker now for consideration, but I’m going to be sad. I’m mourning the loss of the dreams of special moments that might have been shared, the chance to hold my daughter in my hands. Most likely the next one will be the same and probably somewhere along the path we’ll get a little further and get rejected in preference of other parent(s), too. And just like when the stick had only one pink line or the ultrasound was empty, I’ll grieve for that lost hope, the lost dream. As one woman said in a forum thread many years back, “I really hate that phrase [about birth mother’s knowing the right parent] along with ‘the right baby finds the right family at the right time…’ That falls in line (for me) with ‘Everything happens for a reason’ ‘It was meant to be’ etc… The reason I hate those phrases? Because for those families for whom it doesn’t work out, you feel even more like some type of cosmic failure. Even the “universe” felt you were unfit to be parents…”
The other stages have been so incredibly hard all ready, but somehow it felt like although we missed out on the previous chances, we would get picked quickly. I have no explanation for why it seemed like this part would be the easier part. I didn’t expect so much emotion during this phase either. And I didn’t expect to find empathy from a group of women, all strangers even among themselves, who understood the frustration and grief, along with this sense of failure. All rational women. All women trying to figure out how to hold our shattered hearts together enough to try again. All women who delete multiple versions of what they share (I’m on five right now). I didn’t know that I could feel like I’m failing at this and would never have imagined that I’d learn from strangers that I’m allowed to, and need to, mourn those possibilities. We all fell in love with someone we didn’t know and had our hearts broken a bit. And we’re all scared of being vulnerable yet again.
We don’t pour our hearts out for pity; we do it to keep one another strong enough to try again and so that the right message can be found when this happens to another should-be mother. You will try again. You will set a date to reevaluate if you have enough hope and strength left to continue. You will be misunderstood by those that can’t empathize with your loss. Very few will understand your grief, but don’t let that stop you from grieving. Just like each chapter in the pre-home study, there’s another page after this. Scream at the stars, cry in the dark, get down on your knees and pray for probably the eightieth time just this week if that’s what you need. But allow yourself to grieve. The tears will dry on the paper and when you’re ready, turn the page.
An Update on Our Adoption
I wasn’t sure if I’d feel up to writing an update right now. My emotions are all over the board at this stage and there are so many others who are in control of our journey right now. It’s hard for me to not retreat into my sarcastic version of myself when I feel this vulnerable and incredibly hard to admit it to others. As a survivor of abuse I absolutely hate being vulnerable except to those I have come to trust. I’ve never been able to shed that protective layer. It’s not easy to let go of a few of those learned behaviors, no matter how much work I’ve done. It makes sense that the story of our adoption journey is knocking at that protective behavior, but I want to be strong and share our journey in case someone stumbles across my posts someday when they need proof that some hard parts of the process are normal.
To that person: you are doing all that you can, so stop feeling like you need to do something every minute or else you’re a failure who doesn’t deserve to get their child. Having strangers dive deep into your life story and pick through some parts that might be a bit painful is not a fun process and it’s normal to feel vulnerable. The waiting makes you feel alone and like you’re going insane, but I want you to know that you’re not. I can promise that you’re not going crazy and most everyone in your place feels lost. And for you, and even our future daughter, I will try to share our story.
We just submitted the corrections to our second profile and the third profile is in the works. We got an extended narrative about the young lady we feel we would be best able to help and with a better understanding of her needs we decided to continue with her. Now we wait for her case worker to read the new version of our profile and see if that case worker believes we could be a good fit for this young lady. From what I understand, if she feels there’s a chance, then she may request more information about you/your family. So we are waiting to see if we qualify enough to get to the next step of having a conference call with our social worker and her case worker.
IF we get the conference call and all goes well, then we move on to the BIS, where even more people weigh in on the huge decision of which applicants will best suit the needs and wants of the child. It took us seven months to get to submitting our inquiry, so right now it feels like it’ll be the day just before forever when we will know if we have a shot with this young lady whose profile kept pulling at our hearts. We know that we need to consider at least a couple others and submit inquiries, because it is so risky to put all of our eggs in one basket. We had an intense talk about our abilities and what needs we can meet that are outside of our original parameters, so we requested three more profiles. One of them really appeals to us, although she’s several years younger than we had originally planned for. So, while we wait to learn about our main focus, at least we have a few more that we will hopefully get to read the extended profiles for this week. It’s hard to balance the knowledge that we need to consider others against those little vignettes that inadvertently pop into the mind with Kiddo 1’s face.
I want to crawl into my shell until we get through things. I feel foolish sharing my hope and joy over the concept of motherhood and actually getting Kiddo. I feel incredibly foolish to have shared my hopes so early on without realizing that this road isn’t a one year run. We’re in a marathon with an unknown end date, with a desperate need to not feel like we’re putting our lives out there for these others to judge, all the way down to judging if we could be good parents, and the fear is nearly suffocating.
Three young ladies we had hoped to inquire about have all ready been pulled from the listing while we worked through that first part. It’s down-in-your-heart scary to share the online profile of the one we are hoping we get approved for. There are these moments of hope that you cling to that just have to be shared sometimes, though, and it’s gut wrenching when you’re reminded that it’s a long process and you learn that child is destined for another path. In my most honest moments I know that one of my deepest, uncontrollable fears is that we are wrong at knowing who “our” Kiddo is. There have all ready several faces starring in our dreams. This isn’t dropping a quarter into a slot machine and seeing what comes out. This is our life and helping our daughter have the best life possible. I know that it’s insane to hold myself responsible for not being accurate about who our Kiddo will be, especially when it is all in the hands of those in the process. It’s an upside down world, some days. That’s why I want the shirt that says “Insane? I prefer the term mentally hilarious.”. In the meantime I’ll keep doodling out ideas for the tattoo I’ll get when we formally adopt her. She’s worth becoming a permanent reminder upon my skin, just like her dad is, even though I’m not sure which face will go with the memorable moment. Fibro be damned. She’s even worth going a bit bonkers for. I just hope Kiddo agrees with Lewis Carroll.
A Few New Favorite Things
After being a lot sicker than usual for five months I started thinking about what could be playing with the Fibro to make me even more susceptible to illnesses. I dusted (I admit that I suck at staying on top of that), I used baking soda in the carpet, stayed away from my business shelves in case I had developed an issue with an ingredient…I tested a lot of things. My ability to grip things is getting worse, but caught even me by surprise when I couldn’t hold onto my drink while sitting in bed watching GMM on my phone. (Since my body is irritated by straight water right now, I’ve had to get creative with findings things to drink and Frappuccino became one, unfortunately. Lol) I knew my comforter would need to be washed to get the milk out. I stripped the bed and did a quick half fix to get us by until I built up another spoon to make the bed fully again. When I went to properly make the bed I truly saw the state of our pillow top and it was embarrassing. We had a foam insert inside the pillow top, so I knew that it had to be bad, as well.
I started thinking and realized that we bought the Sleep Number bed with pillow top and foam around 13 years ago. The Sleep Number and bedding was such a blessing as my Fibro pains began, and I truly think the combo gave me a little more time to enjoy having a career and a more active lifestyle. Years later I’m looking down at the bedding and thinking about what has probably developed in bedding that we didn’t realize was so old. With his help we went to straight onto the mattress with a fitted sheet and I knew this wasn’t going to work. Once we got our taxes done and knew we would be covered, I spent a few days researching mattress pads and pillow tops. During all this I realized that my congestion had improved dramatically and that although I was hurting more, I was actually getting better rest (which any Spoonie knows is nearly impossible). Something inside of our old set had gotten bad enough to compromise my system further. I was floored.
Anyway, fast forward to yesterday and five boxes from the mail man, with one being incredibly heavy so he brought it in for me, and a new bed was born. Lol They really need to put warnings on pillow top bags that states there may be an explosion upon exposing to air…I cut open the bag and literally got knocked over as this cushion exploded out and tripled in size immediately. It’s now funny, but was quite startling and irritating. *grin*
I then had to wrestle the mattress pad out of the big and heavy box. It was literally a wrestling match. It won several rounds. After I was pouring sweat and breathing harder than when I box, I managed to get the pad partially up onto a crafting table to air out. It was full on the hardest workout I have ever done. *laugh* As I collapsed into my recliner and stared at the 2″ pad draped over the table in front of me I realized that it was hanging unevenly. Dude. You suck. I kept staring at it while trying to catch my breath, but my OCD started screaming inside of my head. I can’t stand when things aren’t even. Sides have to line up if I can see them (I can’t see his side of the bed from where I am, so our bedding can be high for fun sized me and low for tall him without bothering me thankfully). The right side was at least 6″ longer. When I managed to get back up and try to even it out the doggone table tried to collapse!! L was still sleeping, so I knew I had an hour with this nightmare, and found that if I leaned onto the arm of my recliner with my phone at eye level, watching YouTube, it was all out of sight and my mind could quiet down. But seriously…a freaking piece of bedding got the better of me! After the brother knocked me on my bottom all ready!
Thankfully L got up and drug everything into the bedroom, and we made our revived bed. When we crawled in for a nap before he had to get ready for his shift it was so worth the beat down. There’s a little firmness, but for the most it just cradles all of my trigger points. And I woke up without trying to hack up a lung, too! It took about five minutes to convince ourselves to get out of the cloud of happiness. *grin*
I also ordered a germ guardian air purifier, but just got that running, so I’ll have to give it a thumbs up later on if it proves itself worthy. In the meantime I want to share the links for these two incredible pieces of bedding that quite quickly eased a lot of the extra pain I’ve been suffering from lately.
The gel memory foam mattress topper is by Milliard and set us back $124 for the king size.
The pillow top was a hard one for me to decide on honestly. I had a really difficult time deciding between the three I had narrowed it down to, but decided that the hypoallergenic and antimicrobial properties, plus being overfilled if I’m honest, were the winning features. The Leisure Town Mattress Pad Cover was $80.
These are Amazon member prices, of course, and the free shipping for such heavy items is so worth the membership, let alone the sales and shipping frenzy during the holidays, in my opinion.
Kiddo’s room is still the most incredible in our house, but our bed feels like the one I slept in at a Marriott. We got her an incredible bed set, but I have to say, I won’t hesitate to order if she asks for the topper and foam. A two hour nap all ready convinced me (at the time of the writing…I’ll schedule this to post in the morning while I’m still sighing happily in my fluffy bed. *laugh*). These are definitely going to be on my list of favorite things!
Before I go, I want to mention one other thing. I’m hoping that the links I embedded for you actually go to smile.amazon. If you haven’t heard about it, a portion of sales from Amazon, when ordered through the sister site of smile.amazon.com, go to charity. There’s a place in your account where you can pick the charity that you would like to have your percentage donated to. I totally respect that you may have a favorite charity that you would like to support. If you do not, though, it would be absolutely amazing if you would consider helping raise money for KCSL, who is the company Adopt Kansas Kids, our adoption agency, is under. KCSL supports a lot of different areas of the process, including fostering, adoption, training, and parent assistance. I embedded the link if you’d like to read their fast facts and hopefully look around their site a bit. Part of the reason our adoption has had a lot of delays is because there aren’t enough resources to process the less urgent parts quickly. It would mean a lot if we could help raise more for them and help more children who need all of us to advocate for them, not just an overburdened system. Here’s a quick view of the charity screen, although I marked out our part, especially since I don’t need L to see and figure up how much I’ve spent on Amazon. *grin* (Not really; we are open with each other about finances. We are private with public consumption though.)
There are a lot of charities being helped, although a lot of people don’t know about it. Although the heavy hitter charities are very worthy, it would be an incredible blessing if you would consider choosing KCSL for your charity. It does nothing for our adoption journey, but every bit truly helps take care of the children. “It takes a village to raise a child” as the proverb goes. I’d be so honored if just one in “my village” will help the children.
Okay, I’m done with the sentimental moment for the week. *grin* If you’d like more information about the products, Smile, or KCSL/Adopt KS Kids, please don’t hesitate to write a comment or email!
Happy pampering (and yes, a comfy bed is totally under the pampering umbrella!)! 🙂
The Roller Coaster
After hitting the one year mark since we began this journey I realized that I’ve gotten depressed due to not progressing during this time. Our adoption journey has been quite an emotional roller coaster. When I realized how bad my first feeling from contact from the social worker was complete and utter fear, I knew that I had some work to do on changing my perspective.
I was completely unable to be rational when I saw that she had emailed us. Terrified that it would mean we have been denied, scared that our dream will get shattered, and honestly a bit panicked because this single person has the dream of our adoption in her hands. We’re past the happy and hopeful honeymoon stage, while we are now in the worry and pain stage instead.
Adoption is completely worth everything we have gone through and I wholeheartedly believe in it, and I will hopefully be able to advocate for these children in some way someday. The waiting part, especially once it goes beyond a month without hearing anything, is pretty much like having PMS, in my opinion. Sorry male readers, but I’m totally going there since it’s a great comparison of feelings. Anyway, after that honeymoon phase the PMS sneaks in. You notice that you’re a little more emotional than usual; you can cry from either a sweet or heartbreaking commercial even. You then hear that internal clock ticking down to THE DAY, but you have absolutely no idea if the train is running on time, so you’re on edge. Sarcasm drips from your comments without you meaning to be that way, so then you withdraw to keep from sucking the sun out of someone else’s day. Sometimes you swing from happy to sad, over to being sensitive to every little comment or action, get withdrawn and cranky, and you then go straight to being miserable and on edge. Tick tock. Tick tock. You feel like you’re losing all control over your emotions and it just keeps getting louder. Tick tock. Tick tock…
This too shall pass. Yep. It’s still an emotional roller coaster regardless of the encouraging quote. You could throw glitter at this mess and it’ll just be a shiny mess now, so you cry when you watch a car commercial with parents saying goodbye as their kid heads off to college.
Even though this sucks, deep down you know it’ll get better. You just have to hold on until that train comes to town. You just have to wait for the adoption to progress to the next stage. Try and find a way to drown out the sound of the clock; cover everything in glitter and crank up cheerful Christmas music if that’s what it takes to make you feel more in control of your emotions. I’m taking inventory of the deep freeze and food expiration dates, while listening to Celtic Thunder, to help get me through today. I’ll transfer all the info to a spreadsheet tomorrow, so I’ll feel a little more in control yet again. Take it day by day and lean on that support system you wrote about in like the fourth section of the adoption paperwork. Find your glitter and empower yourself to get through this. You’ve come this far, so don’t you dare give up; and I will be saying that exact thing to myself over and over. A child depends on your ability to find a way through this. Like the old saying goes – you can eat a whole bear all by yourself. You just have to take one bite at a time.
For You to See Someday
3/15/18
Dear Kiddo,
Well, I’ve had the “It’s a Girl” banner up for three and a half months now. In two days it will be a solid year since we started this journey to find and meet you. In a way it all feels so unreal now. The paperwork was turned in some time ago, then fixed and turned in again; we made your room move-in-ready and I have a bag full of paint cards for you to go through to decide what color would make it truly your room; and I have way too many party ideas to go through with you for any party you want to have. Well, one has to be a glow in the dark party because, um, it’s glow in the dark and I really want to be at that kind of party for the first time in my own life. *laugh*
I opened the door to your room and find that it’s getting harder to imagine having my own daughter in there. Clothes and knickknacks strewn about, papers on your desk, and you laying on the bed fast asleep with your tablet still in your hand. Abby will probably be curled up with you, since she dashes into your room the moment the door is cracked open and jumps up on the bed to see what’s going on.
What kind of music will I hear playing on your echo? Will you tell me who your latest crush is or which school subject you think is so lame? Will there be enough time for us to help you believe in love; enough time to help you truly believe that you have been wanted for a long time and although you’ll be our chosen child, you will never be replaceable?
We were so ready and excited to have you come into our lives. Right now it feels like we put our wishes and dreams into a bottle and it’s just floating around in the ocean, bobbing along with the current. It’s getting hard to believe that our bottle will ever make it. Sometimes my faith in the process is difficult to cling to and I lose my way. Then I see an ad for prom dresses or some commercial of a daughter hugging her mom right before she walks down the aisle, and I have this little flare of hope that we will someday have these moments together. I’m trying hard to keep that hope alive despite the delays.
We wanted to make sure to find, meet, and start visitations before school ends this semester, so that you can have the summer with us to adjust to your new life and hopefully work through the trauma of change, leading to some attachment before the new school year starts. School is stressful enough; I don’t want to make this harder for you, even though there’s a part of me that is completely selfish and doesn’t want to think about anything beyond moving you in as soon as we possibly can regardless of when it is. I’m not sure if there will be enough time to have the ideal plan play out. Although I hope we know that it’s you as soon as we see your profile, I know that it’s not likely. The likelihood that you’re the first child we proceed to the BIS for is nearly nonexistent. I’d fill out every scrap of the mountain of paperwork again if it’d help us get past the delay and resume our journey.
I pray for you every night. I hope you’re happy and safe; I hope that some tiny part of your heart can believe that we are waiting for the chance to find you. We just need that chance – we promise to not stop until you are home. We will spend the rest of our lives loving you, no matter how hard it is for you to believe. No matter how hard this journey is. And I’m putting this out in the world so that you will someday have proof that you are worth every moment, every fear, and every tear. You’re worth dreaming about and waiting for.
Children Belong in Families
One of the hardest things we have ever gone through in our entire marriage is waiting for progress on the adoption. I originally thought the huge binder of paperwork that I completed and the longing to find her would be the hardest things up to meeting the potential(s). A lot of people blog about the home studies, which are definitely a difficult time since the information out there is so contradictory and it can take a long time to become approved, especially if you’re wanting to adopt or foster really young kids. It’s when you dig deep and get into the adoption forums and some blogs that you hear about the waiting game.
We have had several delays due to some technical issues and a local news station even reported about DCF going to our Capitol to get approval for more funding to use as incentives to recruit and retain social workers. Currently it’s a critical shortage and they need workers now, plus to give workers a reason to stay in such an emotionally difficult career. There are a lot of balls they have to juggle and have incredibly huge case loads. Without enough workers right now we can expect to stay in what we now call “the dead zone” for a few more months. We will hit the end of our first year in this journey in one week. We never thought it would be this long since we have everything ready for Kiddo and have tried to learn as much as possible. We thought that our eagerness and preparation would make us idle candidates, and therefore we would be handled quicker. We’re four months past that possibility.
Adoption is so worth while, because there is so much need and so much potential. The stats for children aging out of the system are heart crushing. Their rate of unsuccessful lives as adults is awful. With some help they can actually work toward their dreams and become happy, contributing members of society as adults. As one quote I ran across says, “Adopting one child won’t change the world, but for that one child the world will change”. (No author cited.)
This waiting period allows all of the fears and doubts creep in, and they totally overshadow that joy and excitement that filled you while you painted their room in the middle of the night, while sharing your previously secret plan to adopt, and sustained you through all of the binders full of paperwork. And if you turn to research during this time, to make you even more prepared to spot potential issues or triggers, you get sucked down into all of these differing opinions of what is “the right way” and you start to wonder if the delays are a sign that you shouldn’t proceed. I’ve had a few hours of crisis throughout this where I questioned if we were the right people to raise an adoptee. During one episode my incredibly wise friend that has a knack for finding the words I really need, found a quote on Pinterest to send me.
Most times I just sit and keep re-reading it like a mantra. It is probably the most needed advice I’ve received during this stage and I’m so thankful for the strength I pull from that thought. Sometimes the whispers of doubt are louder than my mantra, though, and my support system, and the coping techniques my disability psychiatrist taught me, are my life preservers. It’s easy for an introvert like me to get lost in my own mind and to treat the research as a tutorial of what I need to do. I went down that rabbit hole overnight while reading a book about the 20 things adopted kids want you to know. By chapter five I was all ready a complete failure and we aren’t even past the first stage yet. I was paralyzed with doubt yet again. After a lot of tears washed some of it away, and an anxiety pill helped calm my doom-and-gloom thoughts, I remembered that my friend suggested a while back that I gather quotes that will encourage me and help sustain me, for times like this.
He, along with an incredible support system, and a patient other half, truly are right by me throughout this process.
“The dead zone” is such a difficult time that it suddenly seems like “no” is now an option. When we started the process and before this stage started, it felt like nothing could get in the way of our goal. Never once did I think that “maybe I’m not going to be good enough” until this.
This one applies to almost any obstacle we are working through and is a good reminder to keep going.
We haven’t had a chance to even meet them, but in reading their profiles and learning about them, it is truly impossible to ignore that there are children that need us. Looking at profiles during the dead zone is a dual edged sword though. You are reminded of the need, of why you started this path, but it is like a slash across your heart when one of the kids you are looking forward to learning more about, once you finally get to the next stage, is pulled from the website. There is joy and relief that they have found their home, but you can’t help that a slightly selfish part of you had hoped they’d stay available as a possibility to become your child. Something about certain ones just pulls at you somehow and closing the door to that possibility, especially when you have no tentative time frame to be a light at the end of the tunnel, is a bit devastating.
As we wait for the third young lady we have wanted to know more about to leave the system before our profile is completed, we’ve stopped looking at the site and watching the intro videos. Sometimes you just can’t handle having a name and some of their personality in mind when you grieve about the possibilities that are closed off from your future. There’s only so much that we can go through without this hardening our hearts, so we have to protect ourselves a bit until there is enough staff at the agency to get our profile to the next stage. That’s a piece of honesty that you don’t often find even after months of reading blogs and forums. Adopting parents want to encourage others to help these children, but it’s tough to be completely honest and open without fear of it discouraging others. I think a lot of people never make it out of the dead zone, which is another explanation for it. How often do you choose to go for the hardest level when you are first learning to play a game? Very few are so courageous to go full tilt right off, despite the possibilities of pain and difficulty. Parenthood is that gauntlet as well, but at least there are typically some projected time frames for each stage. You don’t go say fifteen months without knowing if you will labor within the next few months. Someone else holds your future in their hands and they’re the only one who has an idea of how long you’ll be in this stage, and you’re not privy to their knowledge. That’s terrifying honestly.
It’s hard to believe that our government always chooses to spend money campaigning against medicinal marijuana or some other hot topic instead of funneling those resources into helping our children. And yes, they are our children. They aren’t soulless dolls that our society should ignore, put away, or forget. Adoption should be promoted as a viable parenting option; not as a last ditch effort to become parents. We should see politicians giving speeches about how they will help bring reform and help to this crisis, instead of slinging accusations about affairs and other stuff that doesn’t really change a doggone thing.
So someday I will advocate for change and for getting enough resources for our social workers to be able to perform their difficult tasks in a timely manner. Maybe changes would stop someone from stepping away during the waiting period. Maybe we can stop “the dead zone” completely someday. Those are goals for another day, for me. For now I will try to not dig up what I planted and have prayed for. I will wait. And I’ll use research as a tool for what to watch for; not as a guide to measure if I’ve all ready failed before I’ve started. I have a lot at stake and need to remember what brought our hearts to adoption.
Enough?
I’ve been really sick lately and it’s left me with a lot of time to think, when the cold medicine or fever haven’t made a mess of my brain. Most of the time I think about our future daughter.
There have been some delays in the process and while sick I’ve worked toward removing one roadblock. I’ve done what I can and everything is in other people’s hands. I’m a girl who loves spreadsheets and organization, so obviously it’s hard for me to not be in control or working personally toward a goal. Yet adoption has a lot of balls to juggle and the prospective parents only have control of a couple of those juggling balls. When someone like me doesn’t have any control at all and isn’t well enough to lose my mind in other projects, I begin to mentally circle the subject, think about the risks, think about possible ways to fix or prevent such risks, and whatnot. No matter how much I circle it, research, and prepare for, I keep coming to one theme of questions. Will I be enough? Can I do enough? Will my love be enough? And what is “enough”?
These foster children have been through such trauma in their short lives, and although we are working toward adopting a teenager, she may have not received the help and love that she has needed to work through her trauma. If I’m bed bound for several days, how can I ever be enough? Although the flu and possible pneumonia will pass, my illness will remain. Due to that, I have a weak immune system and there will be more days like this in my future. Is love enough for her when I’m unable to be at a sporting event or some other teen activity? Can I ever be enough for her?
Thankfully I have been blessed with an awesome support system who will be able to help when I’m sick or I’m unable to do something. And deep down I know that my questions, my doubts, about being enough, are born out of fear. I’m scared of her never attaching to us, never being able to truly bond, and never being able to feel like we will always be there for her, even if she makes youthful mistakes or slams her door in that incredibly passionate way that only teens can. The heart of my fear is when we meet her will she look at me and wonder if I’m enough for her. What if we fall in love with our daughter and she finds us lacking?
I have realized that this is why adoption requires strength and faith. I cling to my faith that God chose this path for us; cling to that moment when that strong sense of purpose and joy filled me. And you have to be strong enough to know when to reach out for your partner’s hand any time you can’t see the path anymore.
When fostering or adoption is such a difficult thing to do, and the system beats at their hearts and confidence sometimes, isn’t a person bound to wonder if they are enough? So many classes, binders full of paperwork, tons of research, and tons of time waiting; they eat away at you. The doubts attack in the darkest hours like childhood monsters under your bed.
A wise man I thankfully married told me during one of those attacks that we all ready came this far, so we have to keep our faith to see it through. Even though I’m sick, I will be enough. God believed it when he set us on this path and although there has been a rough journey so far, I will have to remember that God is preparing us for our daughter. I’ve often looked at myself as if I’m a broken toy, due to my illness, and our daughter is somewhere probably feeling the same way, although for different reasons. As my friend helped me realize, I’m not broken. I’m strong because I survive and I try, and it’s made me “enough” to find our daughter and be the best that I can be for her, regardless of my fears. And if I’m enough, then I’ll be able to help our daughter learn that she’s enough, too, no matter what she’s gone through. She may never open her heart to us, but at least she will learn that her past has made her into who she is and made her strong enough to overcome her fears. We are all “enough”.
Sonder
An unexpected effect of our adoption journey has been “sonder”. I happened to be listening to Vsauce’s YouTube episode on The Science of Awkwardness as I was working on the introduction scrapbook for the adoption, which is provided to the caseworkers and prospective Kiddo. I stopped what I was doing a couple of minutes in and watched the episode without any other activity, because it was kind of an eye-opening moment to finally have a name for what I was realizing as I worked on things for Kiddo. He discussed sonder, which is explained wonderfully by him, but is from The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.
“The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows is a compendium of invented words written by John Koenig. Each original definition aims to fill a hole in the language—to give a name to emotions we all might experience but don’t yet have a word for. Follow the project, give feedback, suggest an emotion you need a word for, or just tell me about your day.” It defines sonder as “the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.”. There’s a lot of great information in both videos to explain it and gives great examples to help you put it into perspective in regards to your own life, so I highly recommend both videos.
As I have worked on different exercises to prepare us for parenting a child who experienced trauma, and read at least a hundred posts about it, and worked on Kiddo’s room, I learned that we need to go into parenting Kiddo with the realization that there is a whole other life that Kiddo has had, good and bad, and that we need to not only be there for Kiddo and try to bond, but understand that we need to acknowledge and work with the other main characters in her life. It’s no different than my being a stepdaughter, really. Both families are part of my story, but they’re probably an extra in one another’s life, and only connected through me. Kiddo’s life pre-adoption is filled with other people and experiences, and they’re not just part of some worksheet or case study that we’re supposed to work through. She has all ready had such a complex life at such a young age.
It’s not something you really think about usually. You know that your friends have lives and you’re an extra in them, but you don’t always really realize that they are the main character of their own novel, just like you are the main character of yours. This young lady has an extensive life that we not only have to “work through”, but we need to bond with any other supporting characters in her story that she desires, and we need to work to become the leading supporting characters in her story once we meet her. There was finally a name to explain this concept that I was suddenly so aware of. You take the concept for granted and don’t think about it when they’re your friend or someone else in your own life, but when it’s someone that you don’t know (yet), you don’t really think about how they have their own story and you’re just an extra in it. And we have to work hard to not only help heal this teenager, help her reach her potential, and bond with her, but also recognize the previous chapters of her life and incorporate her other supporting characters into our family life if she wants that.
We had to do a project in our TIPS-MAPP class (taken to help those considering adoption and fostering how to recognize and handle trauma in youth) where we had to make a diagram of the connections in our lives. We’re each a little bubble and you draw lines to bubbles of other aspects that make up your life, such as interests and other people, and how strong those connections are. When we did ours and then listened to our teacher’s description of her own family diagram, where her connections to the step and adopted children led then to connections to their own family and friends as well, suddenly the little diagram becomes this huge connected world that is just one family’s story and I realized that our own diagram will be so different one year after making the one for class. And I started becoming more aware of this butterfly effect of connections. I might be a nerd, but this was mind blowing for me and not something I’d ever really paid attention to.
Within a week I came across Vsauce’s video and suddenly I know I have finally realized what sonder is. I pray each day to “…have a good impact…” and it wasn’t just about making something easier for others; it was about making that page of their story a little better, if not improving the rest of their chapter, because they have just as difficult, blessed, and unpredictable of a life as I do. And somewhere out there Kiddo is living her own life, waiting to become a permanent part of a family, while starring in her own story with all of these other characters. It’s no longer just about raising our daughter; it’s about respecting and incorporating her story’s characters into ours. I couldn’t wait to become a mother of some unknown person, but then the love went beyond the concept finally, and I fell in love with this unknown person that has all ready lived a few chapters of her life and is just as complicated as we are. Sonder helped me convert adoption from a two dimensional concept to the beauty of falling in motherly love with a complicated person with a short, traumatic, story that I will become a lead supporting character in. It’s no longer about my story, or his, or ours. Our story will now become part of hers and we will have a whole new book. A new book with three flawed, complicated, and blessed main characters.
Georgia's Pampering 