Monthly Archives: January 2018
While the medicine is keeping my symptoms at bay, I’ve decided to write about my latest step toward empowerment. Settle in for a long one. I tried to shorten it as much as I could. 🙂
I saw my disability psychiatrist last week; we’ll call her “H” for being such a huge help my learning to cope with becoming disabled so young, just as my career was truly starting. During some of the sessions we’ve discussed how sometimes the symptoms from Fibro can trigger my PTSD from the abuse I suffered years ago. That’s when I realized that a lot of the things I did over the years was to empower myself, so that he couldn’t have control ever again, and why I’m such a control freak.
Although we don’t discuss my ex that often, I had to go over the main parts of the abuse, over and over again, as part of the adoption process. They want every little detail of your life, which I don’t begrudge them for, since they’re trying to find good homes for these children and to keep them safe. Plus, sometimes an adopting parent that has been abused is like a ticking time bomb for their PTSD to kick in while helping a child cope with their own trauma. Thankfully I’ve learned a lot and will be able to handle it, since I’ve been dealing with PTSD from several life events. I’ve worked hard to understand abuse, so I got my certification in Victim’s Advocacy, and then I worked to never be weak enough to be a victim again, mentally or physically.
At the previous appointment H and I discussed how I can’t allow my illness and disability to define me, and she blew my mind when she pointed out that I’ve been angry for so long. Anger at losing the life I was on track for before my relapse, anger at having physical weaknesses again, and anger that I had to lose my career that would have helped improve our financial situation, so I wouldn’t feel so guilty for L having such a burden on his shoulders. Although I felt it, I never was able to realize that it was anger at my disability that made me frustrated so often. And that I had never truly mourned the losses in order to move on. Losing that life and all of the dreams that went with it; they’ll never be my path and I will have different abilities, choices, and paths that I will take. With the mourning I also need to deal with the associated triggers and work on my PTSD before I can help Kiddo.
So I worked for months to let go and mourn each piece. I still have trouble sometimes with dealing with my inability to visit friends when I want to, or the independence of driving anywhere if I wanted to, not being able to access all of my knowledge at times, and most especially my physical weakness. Mourning my previous life and trying to embrace my new path became very empowering, and when we decided to adopt I decided that I wanted to be a good female role model for her – I want to show her that no matter what she went through, we can take back the control and stop being a survivor or victim. I hope my being empowered will help her to tap into her potential and find her happiness. I don’t want her past traumas to define her life, either, so if I can work through mine, I can help her through hers…I hope and pray.
During last week’s conversation H also asked how I will handle my PTSD being possibly triggered by Kiddo’s traumas, especially if I will have to help her work through the same traumas I suffered. Thankfully I have a great support system of loved ones that can step in, if needed, but I also truly believe a quote I was sent that basically said that I had survived because God had plans ahead where I would use that knowledge and compassion. However, I admit that there are a lot of unexpected triggers and I am slowly working through them. The waiting period triggered a lot of my fears and my greatest fear now is that my ex could come after Kiddo.
I know it will shatter me if he decided to punish me by hurting what I value; it’s the specialty of an abuser, and after seeing me mourn the loss of Sierra, our daughter, he will know that I’d rather die than lose Kiddo. With his twisted justifications, what if my traumatized Kiddo ever gets attacked or raped by him because of me? Until H and J talked about it I didn’t realize how much that fear had taken hold of me. It took a long time for him to stop stalking me; even L didn’t realize that we were stalked during outings in our first couple of years. I don’t know if any other girl ever managed to get away from him, if any other girl ever stood up to him like I did once I had given up…I don’t know if a switch can suddenly flip and make him decide to revisit that hatred and find me again. And now my info is out there after I hid it for so many years; social media has made it difficult to stay in the shadows.
“Know thine enemy”, so I know he moved back into the state and where he currently lives. He isn’t even an hour away. It would be easy to take up the stalking again, especially when I never understood what triggered him to become fixated the first or second time.
Without fully acknowledging where my risk analysis and PTSD trigger had taken me, I became terrified of being the cause for more trauma to Kiddo. When I finally realized it is when H leaned toward me and said I needed to stop giving him that power, if I want to teach Kiddo to learn from her trauma and to grow. I can’t actually teach that to her when I’m giving someone else the power to make me afraid again. And, when it comes down to it, my fear won’t protect Kiddo. I have to focus on letting go of fear and feel strong again, so I can be living proof for Kiddo that the trauma can teach us how to become even stronger. If we can both take away the power of victimizing us from everyone in our pasts, I’ll truly be able to help empower my daughter to mourn her losses and not let life’s challenges define her.
With that frighteningly vulnerable post I am going to turn on Fun’s “Carry On” and snuggle in my favorite blanket. Time to pamper myself a bit. 🙂
If you need help working through your abuse, please call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (if you live in USA). The Hotline and 911 can and will help you if you are currently being abused. It seems impossible now, but it gets better, I promise, and if you need help working through it, a nerdy stranger on the internet will be there for you if you reach out.
I’m really sick today (Fibro is NOT proud of me for getting out 3 times in one week!), so instead of responding to readers as I had planned, or writing that empowerment post, I’m going to post some pins that really amuse me. I think we all could use a few smiles, even if you save this until your sick day.
The following I would LOVE to do for our adoption announcement, when that dream ever becomes a reality, but I don’t have the nerve to be a Smart aleck like this…
And the next ones I can SO imagine L doing for Kiddo…
The last is one I have always thought was an odd saying and I laugh every single time I read this one. This is how my mind works, folks. And I finally found someone else posting the same kinds of thoughts. LOL
Healthy and happy wishes to everyone! 🙂
Today my mom and I went to the Moscow Festival Ballet of Cinderella. It was so beautiful and although second row seats are usually great, they’re not so awesome for ballets because it turns out the stage is too high for you to see the footwork, but the rest of their bodies and movements were incredible. Well, you know what I mean. Lol I had gambled last year and bought a ticket for Kiddo also, thinking there was no way that we’d still be in the second stage of this process instead of having visitation, so that she could share in this. The empty chair made it a little bittersweet, but I totally recommend seeing this ballet if they come anywhere near you (we were about an hour away from the venue).
Here’s their blurb:
“Moscow Festival Ballet: Cinderella
The world-famous Moscow Festival Ballet presents Cinderella. Often considered the finest achievement of the classical ballet, this piece offers a grandiose and refined blending of traditional mime, expressive pas d’action and spectacular divertissements in a lavish theatrical setting.
The Moscow Festival Ballet was founded in 1989 by Sergei Radchenko, legendary principal dancer of the Bolshoi Ballet. Radchenko brought together the elements of the great Bolshoi and Kirov Ballet companies in an independent company. Since its inception, the group has toured internationally to great acclaim.”
Watch their video here! (Toward the bottom of the page.)
It was a beautiful experience and I’m so glad that I got to share it with my mom, since she is just learning to love ballet, which added an extra level of awesomeness to the afternoon! I hope that at least one of the next two performances that we have bought a teen ticket for will actually get to have Kiddo there to share the experience during one of our visitations. *crossing fingers*
If there’s one take away from this, please get seats at least 5 rows back if you’re going to see a ballet. You might be amazed at how early you hit the ticket sales and managed to snag center, close seats, but try to learn from my mistake. 🙂
I have a great post about Empowerment that I want to write and share, but I was prescribed a new medication and I’m a bit groggy. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to see a Russian Troupe’s performance of Cinderella over in Lawrence, so I’ll try to do today’s post tomorrow, pick which pics turned out well at the event, and then share about the ballet on Monday. So exciting!! The only downside is that we hoped to all ready be in the visitation stage, so months ago when I bough the tickets I also got one for her. Hopefully they are able to come back next year, so that I can share this with her as planned. We don’t get too many of the cultural events here that I remember from my childhood in CA, like professional ballets and professional Irish Step Dancers, which is the gamble for next month. You’ll probably hear my rant across the whole nation if that ticket also goes unused. Lol
Anyway, I’m sure that tonight’s post doesn’t have much substance and that I’m really spaced out. I’m sure my body will be adjusted in another day or two. In the meantime, I hope you are having a wonderful weekend and get to enjoy a little pampering!
Today was an intense day that I’ll share after mulling over some of it and sleeping off my first dose of a new medication. So, this will be brief and actually only contain one subject. How about that?! I can actually focus on one thing. Lol I have no logo for it, but this post will be about hair chalk. 🙂
I am actually blessed to have an incredible disability psychiatrist that really understands how my mind works, gives me great resources, and has helped me to empower myself (which will most likely be discussed a lot in my next post). Anyway, even if I’m not doing well physically, just knowing that I’m going to see her puts me in a great mood and I tend to have extra energy, from the mental boost, to put a little more effort into getting ready. So today I decided to try out the Sugar Plum Vibrant hair chalk, especially since I played with adding some curl to the new haircut. Only one spot truly showed the plum and that’s where I usually have a small white streak I developed after the abuse, which my dye turns into a soft brown highlight. Apparently chalk adheres to that better as well. *laugh* Overall, either it couldn’t be seen at all or it just gave a soft red undertone to the dark brown overall color. It is still fun and easy to work with, but I definitely recommend that you either have the ability to keep your arms up and apply quite a bit to make it vibrant, or else use it on lighter hair. Since the gold went so well and actually looked great with my complexion, I’m looking at adding some gold/light brown streaks in permanent. The pics totally didn’t turn out well (my hair got all sorts of wild with the high winds and I didn’t have time to take pics before we left unfortunately lol), and like I said, there’s one tiny spot on what will be the right side of the pics, that is clearly visible. At least it gives you an idea if it might work for you though.
I applied it almost equally to how I did the gold, to keep the experiment as accurate as possible. I have to admit that I like the light tone it gave to the hair at my crown, although I would have loved for a red or plum tone instead, but it’s a good, warm tone.
So there you have it! If you have darker hair, gold is the clear winner in my book when using Splat dry hair chalk. Now time to sleep my afternoon away. *grin* Happy Pampering!
A warm welcome to all of the new followers of my crazy blog! I’ve had some time on my hands and noticed that some of you started following my blog after specific types of posts. Since my creativity can be a bit…um…diverse, yeah, that’s a good word for it, from day to day, I decided to create a little logo pic at the top of each post. It’s a lot easier and quicker to see than the category, and it lets you see at a glance if it’s the information you’re interested in. I’m hoping you’ll check out the others, but know that reading time can be short and valuable, so if you’re specifically interested in a topic, hopefully these will help you!
Expect a few changes to them along the way, most likely, because I’m me and can’t leave things alone. *laugh* Plus, if I find a glitter version of something, I’ll jump on that new icon or background immediately. 🙂
I will have a specific logo with a category name at the top. If it works for the guest bloggers, we’ll also use the font and icon from the general category for their own contribution logo, as well, at the end. That’s a concept we’re still playing with. I can promise there will be “This recipe post contributed by…” with a little icon will be at the end of each guest post. I want them to get the credit due to them and it allows for some extra creativity in the post format.
If any followers find these changes annoying, difficult with your browser, or you even have input on what might be a better version, please don’t hesitate to leave your input. It’s just an idea I’m trying out to hopefully help streamline and improve the experience for some of the readers. 🙂
Although I have some that are still far from being decided (I have 10 versions of one, that I narrowed down from probably 25, so it’ll take me just a bit longer and help from others to pick a few of these themes, but I wanted to share a few with you. Some will be a clear background that just blends into the website theme, depending on your viewer/device platform, while some will have white or colored backgrounds, so those will look like a regular ole picture at the top with the category theme. Please let me know in comments if you have a preference, if you have time.
Without further delay, a few teasers (meaning there’s a good chance they’ll change within the next 36 hours lol)…
I’m still really torn on what type of icon I’d like for that theme.
I couldn’t resist using my two favorite monster-themed products for the icons for when I discuss the Monster Line!
These are an 85% probability of getting used. I obviously will work on getting them all a bit more uniform in size, but I’m just trying to get the basics down for now.